|
sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
|
The Demon Who Revisits The Past
The Good, The Bad, The Diet and The Ugly: There�s a strange aspect to losing weight that your momma probably never told you about. And that�s my job. I am here today to tell you about this strange thing that happens when you lose weight. I used to weigh a lot. In fact, I haven�t been the weight I am now since I was in the sixth grade or so. (That�s a pretty fat kid, is what you�re thinking, right? Well, I was a pretty fat kid. In fact, I was a remarkably fat kid. But I was a fat kid in a fat family, and so it was okay. You can stop worrying that I was scarred for life by it, okay? Thanks for your concern though.) Anyway, so I find that, as I drop poundage now, I have to revisit what was going on in my life then. That sounds kind of weird, doesn�t it? Well, it is a bit strange. For example, I think the recent horniness and masturbation marathons are related to my reaching this weight again. That is, I was this weight when I was about ten or eleven and began to masturbate on a semi-regular basis. (Why do I feel compelled to put this crap online is what you�re wondering now, right? Or is that why you tune in to my little vulgar diary, to read crap? Quien sabe? I would never question your motivations.) So, right. I began to masturbate at this age, at this weight, and now I am enmeshed in this kind of web of girlhood sexuality. All I want to do is to stay home and play with my new toy�the sex toy, yes, but also my sense of what it means to feel turned on and what it means to have the power to excite others as well. I notice it with the lab techs (Gary the Sweetie and John the Grody). I notice it with the Aisho-san, who flirts back pretty hard it seems. I notice it with strange men who catch my eye and smile that kind of secret smile. I notice it with women who kind of sneer at me when I�m seemingly not looking and then drop their eyes when I meet them. And that�that�s something else I meant to write about. I notice not just the attention of people in a sexual way, but I also notice how much more of a person I am to most people. Being fat = being invisible in this world, doesn�t it? It�s an embarrassment to everyone involved, and people freeze you out when you�re fat. Adults do it. Children learn how to do it from adults. I don�t think that most people even think about what they�re doing or that what they�re doing is hurting someone else. But I spent most of my life�most of my childhood, and all of my adult life until about a year ago�invisible. And let me tell you, in some ways, I miss it. Wait, what? That�s right. I sometimes miss being fat. I sometimes miss the fact that I could pass unnoticed by others. I miss that I could be a total bitch from hell and get people to notice me that way. I miss that I could fuck with people�s expectations of me by being the smartest and fattest kid in a classroom. Because we all know that fat people are stupid and lazy and unclean, right? Right? We all have that prejudice. And don�t tell me that you don�t harbor it somewhere, because everyone in this culture has some vestige of it, whether they�re fat or not. That�s right. Even otherwise intelligent fat people think other fat people are stupid and lazy and unclean. (God, don�t argue with me about this one unless you�ve lived it, alright? Because unless you�ve lived it, you don�t know what the fuck I�m talking about here, okay?) Anyway, I also miss that it separated my real friends from those people who like me a whole lot more now that I�m not as fat as I once was. My real friends knew that I was cool fat. It was my primary litmus test. The other kids, the not-my-real friends, they were friendly alright, but they weren�t, you know, inviting me to parties, inviting me to the movies, inviting me to dinner and whatnot. No, they were friendly and liked that I am funny and gregarious, but they didn�t want me in their houses. They didn�t want me hanging out with them. They didn�t want to be associated with the fat chick. That is, unless they needed the Fat Friend. Yes, I�m talking about those only so-so chicks who�ve always got the fat(ter) chick with them. As a long time Fat Friend I have to tell you, it�s a time-honored role that is the one acceptable way for fat chicks to be out in public, in bars, at parties, and so on. Everyone knows that the Fat Friend is just there so that the guys who hook up with the so-so chick can think later, Whew, at least I didn�t end up with the Fat Friend. (Anyway, I�ll just mark it here that that�s one of the things that bothers me about that chick that always flirts with Max: She very pointedly and unskillfully utilizes the Ugly Friend version of Fat Friend. And I fucking hate that.) The Good, The Bad, The Scale and The Final Goal In Sight: So I stepped on the scale again today at the gym and balanced out the scale at a magical 190. My goal is 165. And you can do the math, but I�ll do it for you: I�m 25 pounds away from my goal. All will soon be revealed.
More lies:
|
|||||