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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Good Person
What does it mean to love someone and to have that relationship be an impossible relationship to sustain? I am in (yet another) impossible relationship, one that (yet again) has no future. Why? I don't mean: Why is the relationship impossible? I know why it's impossible. It's impossible for all the usual reasons. He's married, cheating with me. We live in different countries, in different cultures, by different values.
I can think of several reasons. One is that I value love and even impossible love is of value to me. Another reason is that I don't expect that I will ever find someone who truly and honestly and passionate loves me only. Another reason is that I feel the need to denigrate the person I'm with (a reflection of my own self-denigration) and it's easier to do this when the relationship is adulterous. I can love and judge and feel justified. By some twisted mechanism, the denigration of loved ones became the norm in my life. (Alcoholic abusive father is all I'll say about the cause.) I know it's not right to treat myself and others this way, but it's there. I don't like this about myself. What I really want is someone who wants to be with me and me only, who wants to commit to a deep and loving relationship with me. I don't want to date around and sleep with a lot of men. I want to find someone who is ready to love me. I remember talking with Muji about this, about his similar desire, about his similar self-beliefs, about his depression over all of this. I know that we create our own reality and that I am creating this situation, this eventuality by staying in such a relationship, but the truth is that I don't feel safe if I am in the kind of relationship that I claim to truly want. What that means is that by loving someone completely, I have to change and give up the beliefs that I hold that I am not worth being loved completely. I struggle with this with My Mono. I love him very deeply and very passionately and the more we talk, the more I love him. I can express myself to him and he is patient and kind and loving and I feel very close to him. I feel foolish saying this and I feel foolish for being in this relationship and I hate that it has come to this yet again. I know I should get out. I know that searching is better than security. I do think that he loves me in some way, and I am happy for this love. But I also know that it is not a good thing for us to love each other. It is not a good thing for me to love this man the way I love him. I want to be stronger now, but my heart yearns for him. I want to do what is right, but I also want to see him. I am very selfish in my desire and I have a million justifications for this feeling. I think: I have been cheated by this world and I should have some small happiness even if it means the potential to cause even more unhappiness in another. My attitude is very immature. I think: I didn't ask for a father like I had. What I really wanted was to be loved in such a way that I could use that love as a pattern to have a good and fulfilling love in my life now. Instead, I have this feeling that I am owed something or that all love includes some violence or hatred as a core element. I think in my heart that I can't be a good person, but I want to be good and to try to make my behavior good. I have it in me to be a good person, but when I am faced with a challenge, I know I will fail. What is worse? What is worse is that I want to fail.
More lies:
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