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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Putting It Out There: The Richard "Situation"
The Richard Situation Last night I talked about with The Enforcer and Mayflower about The Richard Situation. Richard, if you recall, is the 36-year-old, funny, good-looking, single, employed friend of mine from the studio whose calls I dodged eight times over two or three days. Why I am dodging calls from such an available, interested guy is beyond me--and was totally beyond Mayflower and The Enforcer. "What's wrong with the guy?" The Enforcer asked. I said, "He's from Texas." The Enforcer drew in a long breath, like, "Ooooh." We all laughed. "No, seriously," The Enforcer said, "what's wrong with his being from Texas?" Mayflower reminded us of her daddy's always saying that they export the bad ones from Texas, leaving all the good ones well confined within the Texas border. We all laughed again. "No, seriously," I said, "it doesn't have anything to do with his being Texan." I mean, hell, half the time you can't hear the Texas in him at all. Richard is bright, funny, quick, witty, observant, insightful. He's tall, blonde, educated, good looking and he's really active and has a terrific bod. He speaks passable Spanish and does interesting work. He's an artist. He loves to go out and do things, go to concert and plays, bike riding, dancing. He owns his own home... So what the fuck's wrong with me? I guess I'm afraid of the whole situation. I mean, I don't want to get involved with anyone right now--much less anyone who is as interested in me as I am in them. But the truth is: Oh, I don't know what the truth is. The truth is that he seems like he wants to get close, and the real truth is that I'm uncomfortable with that. I want my space. I still want time to myself. I still want not to have to bend my life to accomodate someone else's presence. I still want not to have to get dressed up and go out if I don't want to because I'm just spoiled that way--and telling Richard any of that would probably hurt his feelings, would let him down. He incredibly active, so on-the-go all the time. And me? I'm kind of a homebody. I want to have time to work on my art, to read, to just sit and be. I want my time to be my time, with no interruptions, with no distractions, with no interactions that I don't choose to have. This is so fucked up. Why am I so fucked up? I know that I put it out there that I want certain things in an individual, but then when that wish presents itself as reality, I run. I run. That's a problem. But what, dammit, what is the solution? In Other News: Where in the fucking hell is my period? I'm starting to get a little bit worried here.
More lies:
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