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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Channel Demons
Thank You, Universe, For Beautiful Boys I was looking for a fast line out of the grocery store and ended up with a cutie of a cashier. I've been through his line before, and he was pleasant, but not particularly friendly. Not unfriendly, just, you know, there. But last night, for some reason, he had a voice. The cashier was young. He looked a bit like Elijah Wood, who I once had a terrific crush on. He jokingly told us that he had noticed us scoping his line. I said, "When people do that, aren't you tempted to start moving really, really slowly?" He laughed. Someone else got into his line and he informed her that the other cashier was completely free. "People like to herd," he said when she had thanked him and moved to the other cashier. I laughed and said, "Well, we are social animals." Somehow this prompted him to make a statement about how some people were less social than others (I think this had to do with how some people get mean and impatient when they have to stand in line), and this led (again somehow) to my saying, "It takes too much energy to be unhappy." He didn't get excited exactly at this statement, but it did I think delight him. "You're right," he said. "You're so right." I told him that he seemed a bit young to know this; that he had about ten years or so before he was supposed to know this. He took this bit of prejudice in stride. Then he said, "You know there's this Taoist principle--" and he went on to talk about how one should learn to (and I don't think he used these words, but this is how I heard the words he did use) go with the flow, to not fight things, to not put energy into resistance, but into acceptance. He said, "You might not end up where you thought you were going to, but you do end up somewhere." And I realized that it was a beautiful lesson, being delivered in a beautiful voice, by a beautiful boy. On the surface, it seems simple. Too simple. "Go with the flow" sounds like every bit of drippy hippie "wisdom" that you've ever heard any crystal clutcher (as my friend Judi likes to call them) spouting. But if you stop, suspend judgment, realize that what you're actually being exposed to is philosophy from a (kind of) religion far, far older than new age hippie-ism, the statement's complexity unfolds as you watch. A seemingly simple statement, handed to you with humor and some quiet delight by a grocery store clerk, carries with it intricate lessons about acceptance, about understanding, about learning who you are by observing what you do. It is in this way that the Universe speaks to you, hands you the things it wants you to know. And sometimes, if you're lucky, the messenger is (al)most distractingly adorable. Chop Wood? Carry Water?, Or, Before Enlightenment, Do Back Extensions. After Enlightenment? Do Back Extensions. Decisions made on the back extension machine last night in between sets. I'm not going to put the details online, but I did want you to know that some conflict has been resolved. Can We Be Real Here For A Minute? I had a conversation with the Mayflower, who said, "Go. If nothing else, the man of your dreams is in Michigan." I laughed, said, "No, I want a fixer-upper." She said, "Um. The man of your dreams is the man of your dreams. If you dream of a fixer-upper, that's what you're going to get." Which is why I love Mayflower. She reminds me that I'm not thinking straight about ninety percent of the time. And what's my fucking problem, really? Well first of course, let me blame someone or something other than myself. From time to time I actually do run into men who think that my personality (all swaggering bravado and machisma and wit and intelligence and independence and willfulness) is attractive. I owe much of my personality traits to the fact that I was raised in the midst of a pack of brothers, which is much like being raised by wolves. (And who can bear witness to the lonely desperation of wolves without feeling some wild ache inside?) So they come, the boys do. They come and they enjoy it and they come closer. Then they come close enough for us to be alone. They're drawn in. The door closes behind us. And then? Then they expect the other personality to come out. You know the one I'm talking about, right? They want submissive (and I'm reminded here of Mary's once saying, "The reason I was so successful as a stripper was because I could play submissive so well"). They want me to back away from tough situations so that they can handle them for me and then reap adoration. They want me to tone down the education and the intelligence and the wit so that they can feel that themselves are much more educated, intelligent and witty. But me? I don't do undeserved adoration or unearned respect. I was never rewarded for dependency and so I don't view it as a trait I would ever be anything but contemptuous of. They want to be bigger, smarter, taller, stronger. And this too often means that I have to make myself smaller, dumber, weaker. They want me to handle the emotions while they handle the money. They want me to give in. But my people? We don't do submissive. We don't do dependent. We don't do "I'll play dumb so that you can feel smarter." And don't get me started on how much I hate it when feelings get all hurt when I don't back down when boys beat their chests. And I'm not impressed by financial standing. I work and always have worked. I can support myself (if need be, of course--but only if need be). And you know what? I don't even care what you drive. Let me tell you something about me that you should know. I'm not a sweet girl. I'm not even a sweet woman. I'm smart and cynical and strong and willful and independent. My offers of tenderness and respect are not a matter of course. Treat me like you know this--any of this--and know that my personality is not just going through a phase that's going to change because you glance my way. Know that the state I'm in is not a temporary state that you expect to change for you and I'm yours. But I've yet to run into anyone who is able to see this. But maybe the men in Michigan are an enlightened lot?
More lies:
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