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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demon Who Saw The Writing on The Wall
There is a lot of stuff that never makes it into the online journal. Or, if it does, it ends up having to be garbled, having to be encrypted to the point of unintelligibility. For example, if I write: I felt then at a loss, lost, and knew, recognized, even through the willed force of drunken forgetfulness, the truth, I�d be writing about a very specific event, about a very specific time and feeling and realization. But I could write in no details beyond this, because I would be embarrassed to admit, even to myself, to ever having felt that way. I would be embarrassed that I had let anyone make a fool of me�or, much more accurately, that had ever made a fool of myself over anyone by believing that they believed something about me that so obviously wasn�t true. Dreamlike, I can�t afford to remember this time, this feeling, this realization. It�s online journal-related, I�m sure. (I try to keep the online angst to a minimum, and pass the savings on to you.) So I keep a paper journal for all other transgressions. Don�t believe me? Here is a sample entry from the paper journal: And if you were more ordinary, he�d love you. And if you were prettier, he�d love you. And if you were dumber, he�d love you. And if you were submissive, he�d love you. He�d love you and prove you worthy and all of your self-doubt and insecurity would vanish, smoke up a chimney-like. But you are not these things. You are fat. You are not pretty. (You hesitate to write ugly because you don�t want it to be true.) You are smart. (That�s something anyway.) You are too outgoing, too friendly�He doesn�t really, of course, have the power to make you doubt yourself. You do this by yourself, to yourself, and it�s bad. It�s pretty bad. You wonder about the thing in the mirror, thinking it�s your true self. She may be the old you, the looking-glass you�Who is she? You should learn to love her. You should make this your mission. You should approach it with a single-mindedness that can�t be altered. As you approach loving anything. Love without concession. Love as though it were new. Love and learn to move past being hurt. Love and accept love. Love and be grateful. That, too, was written about a specific time, about a specific feeling, and yet contains no lasting revelations.
More lies:
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