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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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part XXIV: the catalytic angel of (un?)certainty
dearest: so the dream thought police have invaded. but i want to start with an older dream: the one in which the man in the orange jumpsuit was in the apartment that wasn't your apartment. so, if the home is a metaphor for the mind, and, in your mind, your home is not really your home (in the dream is filled with unfamilar stuff, is dark and changed), i think that this relateds to the recent talk about how you are not quite the sophistica anymore, not quite who you used to be and aren't sure you like it. things are changing in your head and do you want to accept the changes and exist for a time in that curious space that straddles the old and the new and that feels more uncomfortable perhaps because you can't quite see either side very clearly--aren't sure you want to let go of the old, aren't sure you trust the new.(?) and the men in the jumpsuits: you described them as one, very dangerous and the other, very "accountant-like" but in an orange jumpsuit. in thinking of the two men, they really represent the kinds of men i see you as being attracted to: there is the safe accountant type, not too dangerous (bry maybe?) and the dangerous other type (dangerous because you can't read him? dangerous because he is an unknown? an x factor?) now, i know that relationships represent a loss of freedom, and hence the men in orange jumpsuits. i wouldn't place too fine a point on their being in the o-suits and not you. they are the agents of loss of freedom. they are bringing to the newly unfamiliar and changed sophistica's home/head a sense that there is going to be a loss of freedom through the choice of one or another. (alternatively, they could be those whom you would put in a position of losing their freedom?) one has "snuck" in--or was let in by someone or something else--the dangerous one, the x-factor (?). but the dreams otherwise seem to indicate that you are finding yourself among a benevolently hostile people where you are now. that seems a bit obvious perhaps, but maybe what is not so obvious is that their threat is very implicit. are you afraid that they are changing you for the worse and you won't be able to see this in time to stop it? these kind of well-meaning meddlers are the worst to try and stop (dr. vogon much?) because they are so well-meaning and want only what's best for you (as defined by them) and so it's their feelings that get hurt (as opposed to, for example, their getting angry) when you don't fall into line. if you don't think like they do, they attack in that friendly way of "you really shouldn't--you really ought to--" and then you end up hating yourself for being such a rotten person as to assert yourself, your wants and desires, to such well-meaning, kind, friendly, brain-eating zombies. you're right, these people do violate in a violent way, but manage to make you feel guilt for protecting yourself--and, since you are in the unfamiliar head, does that mean that you don't have a right or responsibility to protect yourself? are they responsible for your changed apartment/your changing? if so, how do you deal with that change? but, x: there is no guilt to be derived from the x, i think. i don't know yet that i would go with an honesty policy in this case, though i may talk one or the other of us into this by the end. so, i'm a big fan of "let's see where this takes us" policy (which, sadly, doesn't overlap prettily with the "walk away from it" policy). are you worried that x has discerned your level of...what?...attachment to him? he may have, but this is all Henry James drawing room stuff all of a sudden, where things get submerged beneath overstuffed reading chairs in hot, humid rooms in English country estates. um. what i'm trying to say is: what would happen if you admitted to x that you care about him? worst case scenario? i guess, he'd walk and you'd be minus x. but i'm guessing that this wouldn't happen. i mean, for god's sake, in best-case scenario territory is this convo i had with the neo, and as skittish as he was, it still went something like, "i care about you." "i care about you too." (and, no, i didn't initiate that one.) so, i'm guessing that telling x that you care is not going to make him head for the door if only because lesser men didn't either. but i'm also guessing that he knows it already. me? i'd hold back the L-word for when you really, really know it. not just the friend-L--not just the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" L--but the big, "i'm in love with you"-L. but that's just me. that said, it's hard not to pick at an x. i know that from experience. it's x-specially hard not to do it when he is being as charming and seemingly as forthcoming as he has been lately. (and i asked him about his feelings about being in charge of finding accomodations, and he made a joke about "do you think she'd mind a tent in the woods?") i don't know that your interest and the manifestations thereof necessarily require a shameful reaction on your part. and that isn't because everyone in our group who's going to has already made a play for the x and so, in terms of a population-based response, you're falling within normal parameters. (god, why the need to couch all this in such high-flying, pseudo-science speak?) but that's not really addressing the matter on an individual level, though, is it? x is aware. he is sentient. i believe that he knows of and is flattered by your interest in him. he is mature enough to not back away from the inevitable problems that are part of any normal (quote, unquote) relationship. he knows that sometimes jealousy, et al., rear its/their ugly head(s) in any relationship. he knows this just as you do, and he seems willing to deal with that. there is the small matter of the bry though, isn't there? [i'm sorry. this seems very compressed to me, this discussion. very truncated. i want to explain in part that i'm in full run mode. but i also want to say that it's truncated nature does not indicate a lack of my caring. full run mode. that's it.] the next day: so my question is: are you clinging to a bry so as to have some safety net in the event of calamity? are you finding the bry to be a good thing or just a thing thing to have? and i guess i have to ask that because i have never understood the bry. i like the bry. and that's not just because i like me a tall man. i even like the crazy little stories he tells that seem to make you want to strangle him. however, i don't know the bry. and i certainly don't know the bryan's function in the life of sophistica. this may be straying into d.a.d.t. territory, but i don't know for sure if it is. what is the function of a bry? now, having asked that, i have clearly to say that it is none of my business. but if you want an opinion, i'd say risk an unknown. an x. don't get me wrong. i love me some bry. i just don't know that the bryan is the thing to hang onto that keeps you from moving on to something that is potentially better. that the family knows not about the bry, but knows about the x? yeah. well. but of course i say this with the huge caveat that if there is truly on your part the lack of a physical attraction to x, then let him go. keep him as a friend, but let go of the rest of it. i say this from experience, and not in a very organized manner. so what is the role of love in our lives? more and more i'm coming to the realization that love is something to be freely and frighteningly expressed (and not that free love/let's sleep with everyone who appeals to us crap, but real love--the caring, scary stuff that perhaps hurts at first and perhaps hurts at last to express, but which we should be expressing all the time until it seems normal and right to be expressing it and not crazy and out-of-control to express it) and freely and frighteningly received. and it gives one not the right to shackle another person and it gives one not the responsibility to take on shackles. that said, love is inherently frightening. it is an unknown. it is a risk. it is gaining and losing. it's probably not for everyone. do i know these things or do i just say them? do i know them because i write these things on my heart and love it? i write these things on my heart and love it. i write these things on my heart and then i hate it. i break it. i break it really and i break it fantastically. i throw it away. i ignore it. i send it on long journeys through hell. and it comes back stronger. and i don't know what to make of this. i don't know how it works. it's not like anything else i've ever known. nattery thoughts on love. this has been a public service announcement. i'm not sure any of this helps. i don't know much about x or about sophistica or about love that might help anyone in any situation. i just think: try it. i just think it's worth a risk. [and so neo decided not to go to the conference and when he told me, i replied, "o.k." and then i went to coffee with mel, who said, "he's an asshole. he knows he's an asshole. he decides to be an asshole. and he may not have many social skills, but he knows how to manipulate people." and i wanted to argue, but i didn't. my heart wasn't in it. so that's the end of my involvement. my heart is still open (as i feel it should be), but there are more important things that it needs to spend time considering in the here and now. and i have regrets, but i'm trying to temper that with the thought that i tried. i made mistakes, but i tried. and am i better off for having done so? yes. i believe yes, and my heart confirms it. and so now is when we finally get to walk away.] so: i don't know, dearest. i don't know how to advise the handling of the x. with love? certainly. but beyond that? my feeling is: risk it. this one time, risk it. all the rest of the times, you can go back to the walk away option. but this time, try it. it's a big risk. but the payoff may be big too. so, learn from my mistakes if you can--x being a better man than the neo, certainly, and so more worth the risk. but remember i put all that i had ever known on a dark horse that didn't come in and i'm still here. and i'm even better off for having done it. despite the moments of loneliness, the experience taught me to orient myself to what is real, what is essential, and despite the continuing moments of uncertainty, my trust in that is the x that marks the spot at the center. wherever that may be. with love, sublingua
More lies:
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