The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

But I can't remember now what happens then
Saturday, Jun. 01, 2002

I had a massage this morning--just a half hour--with Lee. I lay there, trying to relax in the hands of this woman who has been touching me more or less regularly for over a year now. I lay there, letting images flow into and out of my head.

a set of wooden vertebrae-looking pieces forming a kind of spine that resolved itself first into the center pole of a spiral staircase and then into the bars of a crib that I was sure I had occupied as a very small child

inside corners and fragments of inside corners of boxes--?--

nearly a leaf

The only way I can relax is to think about Lee. If I try to concentrate on my own response, I tense up. I can feel myself resist and can feel my stomach starting to clench up with fear.

Sometimes I want to cry, but mostly I lay there and try to pretend that it isn't happening to me.

What else? What else have I lain awake trying to pretend wasn't happening to me?

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010