|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
Controlled Environment: Depression Returns
I decided to start up with therapy again.
I decided to start up with therapy again because I had dream in which I was talking to a friend on the phone. We hung up and then I thought: I have to call her back and tell her that I'm suicidal.
I looked at the clock. It was 10:38 and I thought, it's too late to call her back. Then I thought: No, I'm suicidal. I have to call her.
I dialed and she answered and while I was telling her that I needed help, that I was suicidal, I started playing with the knobs on the gas stove. I could hear her talking and in the background, I could hear alarms going off, like alarm clocks.
Then I woke up.
I felt like hell when I woke up and I thought: I need help.
Suicide is never terribly far from my mind. I've spent most of my adult life in that state. As the anxiety has grown over the last year, the fear that I will end my own life has grown with it. I feel like I walk around all the time with this dark heaviness inside me that I will never escape.
I won't take drugs like antidepressants to escape depression. I did it before and I won't do it again unless they are given to me in a very controlled environment.