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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Be The Better Demon(s)
Be The Better Person: The Demon Who Always Does The Right Thing I am asking her about Ama, about Ama's constant habit of completely negating their relationship in public. "Yeah," The Demon says, "it was hard. We used to go out and sometimes she wouldn't even introduce me. I wouldn't even get a 'this is my friend,' much less, 'this is the woman I've been having sex with for the last four years.'" I am sympathetic. Max used to do the same thing to me, just leave me hanging there in so many social situations. He was able to make me an invisible non-person because he wouldn't define our relationship to anyone, not to his friends, not to his family, not to his co-workers. I ask The Demon if she had ever tried to get Ama to understand how this made her feel. I know Ama and know how silly the question is. The Demon just laughs and says, "I had to just eat it." I say, "I know, I know. It was the same way with me and Max. But it's a deal-breaker now. I won't ever do that again." Be The Better Person: Sophistica Sophistica is telling me about x, about his wanting to find a sugar mama, and about how enthralled he is with his new roommate who is in her early 30's and who works solely to support her partying habit, and who is sleeping with a very rich, very married man. I am openly contemptuous of this attitude on x's part, contemptuous of the roommate's party-to-work ratio, of her fucked-up sense of morality. Soph says, "Oh, I don't know. A lot of people are like that." She says it in such a way that she is admonishing me, however gently, for being so judgmental. "I would never choose that," she continues, "but a lot of people do." There's a lot of shit that people do that isn't right, I think. I can't accept it just because they do it. I won't accept it because it isn't the right thing to do. Soph says to me, "I wouldn't be so quick to write anyone off." Be The Better Person: Judi I used to ask Judi a lot of questions on our walk. She is now in her sixties, and has been married (her fourth marriage, but her third husband) for the last twenty-five years to the most fabulous man ever, but she has a lot of experience. (And the word experience really should be in quotes.) She and another of her friends, when they were in their 20's had a contest of sorts by which they tried to see who could sleep with the most men. That's not something I could ever do, but it's not something I'm judgmental about either. And besides, I wanted the benefit of advice from someone who has been extraordinarily successful at such things. "Never be the wanter, always be the wantee," Judi had said. I had asked what she meant. She explained that it was fine to make the first move, the first call, the first date, but the minute that it felt like she was the persuer, the one who was wanting more than she was wanted, she got out. She simply walked away. "What if he was a really great guy?" I asked, thinking of how hard it is to just walk away from someone you like, someone you have convinced yourself is even worth getting to know. Judi said, "There are lots of really great guys out there." She said that she had kept a list so that if one didn't work out, she had just gone on to the next. She had dated whole groups of physicists, pilots, doctors, you name it. She had just kept a list of names of men she wanted to date, and whenever things got the least bit messy with one, she crossed him off the list and moved on to the next. Be The Better Person: Sublingua Practice compassionate non-attachment. Don't make decisions out of fear or hurt, or the fear of being hurt. Trust the process, trust the universe to be benevolent, to hear your prayers, to accept your gratitude, and to work things out so that you get as much as it possibly can give you. Learn the lessons you are meant to learn--or at least acknowledge that if you choose not to learn them now, that you will be stuck in this place, repeating them and repeating them until you do learn them. Don't get stuck. Meet your fate without fear, without expectation. All of that is too big to say what I'm trying to say. And that is: My committment is to learning how to see with my heart.
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