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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demon Who Quotes The Buddha
DrugCo Angst Revisited I'm waiting for things to reach that point, that point where everything around me gets quiet, when the emotional background noise ceases, and I can hear myself. I'm waiting, and the moment that happens, I'll make a decision. I was happy when they wanted me, happy when they pursued me, happy when they were calling me several times a week to talk to me, sending me email, courting me. I was glad, as any scientist, to be wanted. So what's the problem? Part of the problem is that I've lazed my way into being a better person than I am when I am working in a scientific field. That sounds strange, but I have to tell you that your little Sublingua has a mean streak. And is an anger junkie to boot. And science is a competitive field. Oh, they'll try to tell you that it's a scientific community and that we all work together, but I'll tell you that it's also competitive. But that's putting it mildly. That's toning it down for you. So let me put it this way: emotionally it's often a fucking battlefield. And anger is like rocketfuel when it comes to the motivation to compete and win. So I've always used it. And I've always won. But I eat it too. (And so does everyone else around me when I'm existing on anger.) These last several months have been good for me. I've not been nearly as angry as I was when I was working, practicing science. I've changed a lot of myself for the better, I like who I am now. And when I consider returning to the life, see anger waiting for me at the end of the lane...well, I'm not so sure suddenly that I want back in. But that's a little melodramatic. (I'm also a drama junkie, in case you hadn't noticed.) Also, I have some pretty serious ethical concerns about DrugCo and drug co.'s in general. Part of my undergraduate experience in research encompassed a project that I had gov't funding to pursue. The project dealt with a particularly deadly type of cancer. The reason that some lowly undergraduate was working on the project, and not some high-powered drug company research scientist, was because it's a type of cancer than affects very, very few people. No profit to be made from drugs and treatments that help only a few people, right? No profit? No cure. Sorry about that. And that's kind of a problem to me when I consider squandering what few talents I have scientifically-speaking on the job market. I'd rather toil away for years in relative poverty as long as my work were beneficial. I can help a lot of people, but there are all ready a lot of people helping a lot of other people. Does that mean that a few will fall through the cracks? I can't accept that. The Buddha said "Right vocation," not "It's right to have commas in your paycheck." And, too, I've got the world's best apartment. The world's best best friend on the next block. The gym across the street. The studio and all my work there. My growing interest in new work. My friends. My family. My home. My home. My home. What am I walking away from and why should I walk away from it? What am I walking into? I don't want to go. But that's not a decision. I am still just as likely to go as not to go. Today Of All Days There Must Be A List. I am grateful. I am grateful for Max, for Judi, for Paul, for Cooper. I am grateful for Angelique's Apartment of Sin Soundtrack of Sinful Noises, which comes through my walls in the middle of the afternoon. (Thank you, Angelique, for reminding me of what it was sometimes joyously like to be 22.) I am grateful to you. I am grateful. I am grateful for new shoes, new black sandals that I bought at the not-so-cheap cheap shoe store. I am grateful. I am grateful for difficult decisions that have been made and for difficult decisions that remain to be made. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful that whatever I chose will be the right choice. I am grateful. I am grateful and I place my trust, my life, my talents and whatever I am of worth into the hands of the universe. I am just that damned grateful.
More lies:
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