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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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depression and decisions
Despite no sleep last night, I feel alright for the moment. (Only a slight headache and tired eyes.) I'm only too aware that my sleep schedule is going to drastically change come Tuesday, the first day of the new semester. The earliest of my classes are scheduled for nine a.m., so these long nights of no sleep and leisurely mornings are in for a rude awakening. (Yes, it's a pun only a mother could love.) I did a lot of thinking after yesterday's entry (dinner and death). I'm trying to hang on to the feelings that I'm experiencing right now because I have a hunch that they're going to take me deep without the usual distracting foray into depression. I'm getting pretty tired of that old, familiar downward spiraling that usually accompanies introspection. Anymore I have trouble differentiating between the habits of depression (which I have long cultivated from being truly depressed) and true depression. Though I thought that Lis and I had conquered the depression that I'd suffered from most of my life, I now realize that my major mistake was in thinking that it could be conquered once and for all--that it wasn't going to be an ongoing process. Somehow related to this realization is the phenomenon that I've noticed in the past couple of years that people often try to change their behavior through some (to me) alien decision-making process. (Take Sophistica the other night commenting at dinner that she feels that she's become less witty since she "decided to be nice instead of mean." It also leads me back to a memory of Dykegirl telling me that she had decided to treat people "gently." Was I absent at school on the day that they broke the news about being in control of my own self?) Anyway, what I started out to say is that I'm likely going to slack off on the journaling when school starts. Even though I've made some commitment to this, school (as always) comes first. It even comes before me, and that's no lie.
More lies:
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