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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Sexuality
I have had sex with, I think, ten men. Ten is not a large number, but I still don�t know if that�s the actual number. I try not to pay too close attention to it. Sometimes I think it�s too low. Sometimes I think it�s too high. The first time I had sex, I was fourteen. I later married the man (who self-identifies as gay), though it was many years--and several sexual partners�later. We have since divorced. Sex is better when there is love. The best time didn�t include love. I think I loved him later, but the first time we had sex I didn�t love him, I was just looking for a last fling before I left the city I was living in. We got very drunk and I propositioned him and we went to a hotel. I didn�t orgasm, but it was very, very exciting sex. I think that was mostly because I was the aggressor and was successful at it. The youngest guy I ever had sex with was ten years younger, in his early 20�s at the time. His enthusiasm for my attention and his attraction to me was flattering. I never felt like the older woman/teacher. I think he wanted me to take that role, but I wasn�t into that. I actually loved him, but he didn�t love me. I still have very fond memories of him. I fantasize about a life with him though I don�t fantasize about sex with him. The oldest guy I ever had sex with is the man from number 4. He was also married. He was twelve years older than I am and his wife was my age. Because we lived in different countries, most of the time we had phone sex. He would call me from his office and I would be in bed. (Our time zones differed enough that he was awake when I was in bed.) The sex wasn�t nearly as exciting when we did have the chance to spend time in the same bed. I am often mistaken for a dyke, but I only have experience with one woman. I was thirty, she was twenty-three. We kissed and fooled around. I never went down on her or anything, mostly because I felt guilty about having no emotional connection to her. I know she wanted me to care for her and I didn�t, so sex was out of the question. Many of my fantasies are of very young women with much, much older men. I like older men myself. I think men don�t get good until their late 40�s/early 50�s and I have fantasies about men in their 60s and 70s. I watch porn and despise myself for it. The first time I was ever turned on by another person was when I was about seven and one of my very distant cousins came to visit my grandmother. He was about eleven. He was wearing shorts and he sat on a swing. No, I didn�t see his penis, just his inner thigh. It turned me on. I used to love giving blowjobs, now I hate it. With age comes wisdom, I think. I am horribly jealous and that boiled up the first time I had a threesome. As long as I�m the center of attention, it�s fine. When I�m not, it�s like torture. I used to, when I was younger, masturbate in the bathtub by letting the water run between my legs. I started when I was about eight or nine. I don�t do it anymore except on very special occasions. I�d much rather use my hands. My first non-bathtub orgasm happened when I was about twelve or so. It was the middle of the afternoon and all my family was at home. I was in my room, started to touch myself and didn�t stop. The orgasm surprised me. I lost my virginity to the Billy Ocean song, �Caribbean Queen,� which is a mortifying fact. We were listening to Billy Joel while we made out. When I realized that we were going to go all the way, I turned on the radio and that song was on. Horrible.
More lies:
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