The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

Wednesday, Sept. 09, 2009

I have had sex with, I think, ten men. Ten is not a large number, but I still donít know if thatís the actual number. I try not to pay too close attention to it. Sometimes I think itís too low. Sometimes I think itís too high.

The first time I had sex, I was fourteen. I later married the man (who self-identifies as gay), though it was many years--and several sexual partnersólater. We have since divorced.

Sex is better when there is love.

The best time didnít include love. I think I loved him later, but the first time we had sex I didnít love him, I was just looking for a last fling before I left the city I was living in. We got very drunk and I propositioned him and we went to a hotel. I didnít orgasm, but it was very, very exciting sex. I think that was mostly because I was the aggressor and was successful at it.

The youngest guy I ever had sex with was ten years younger, in his early 20ís at the time. His enthusiasm for my attention and his attraction to me was flattering. I never felt like the older woman/teacher. I think he wanted me to take that role, but I wasnít into that. I actually loved him, but he didnít love me. I still have very fond memories of him. I fantasize about a life with him though I donít fantasize about sex with him.

The oldest guy I ever had sex with is the man from number 4. He was also married. He was twelve years older than I am and his wife was my age. Because we lived in different countries, most of the time we had phone sex. He would call me from his office and I would be in bed. (Our time zones differed enough that he was awake when I was in bed.) The sex wasnít nearly as exciting when we did have the chance to spend time in the same bed.

I am often mistaken for a dyke, but I only have experience with one woman. I was thirty, she was twenty-three. We kissed and fooled around. I never went down on her or anything, mostly because I felt guilty about having no emotional connection to her. I know she wanted me to care for her and I didnít, so sex was out of the question.

Many of my fantasies are of very young women with much, much older men. I like older men myself. I think men donít get good until their late 40ís/early 50ís and I have fantasies about men in their 60s and 70s.

I watch porn and despise myself for it.

The first time I was ever turned on by another person was when I was about seven and one of my very distant cousins came to visit my grandmother. He was about eleven. He was wearing shorts and he sat on a swing. No, I didnít see his penis, just his inner thigh. It turned me on.

I used to love giving blowjobs, now I hate it. With age comes wisdom, I think.

I am horribly jealous and that boiled up the first time I had a threesome. As long as Iím the center of attention, itís fine. When Iím not, itís like torture.

I used to, when I was younger, masturbate in the bathtub by letting the water run between my legs. I started when I was about eight or nine. I donít do it anymore except on very special occasions. Iíd much rather use my hands.

My first non-bathtub orgasm happened when I was about twelve or so. It was the middle of the afternoon and all my family was at home. I was in my room, started to touch myself and didnít stop. The orgasm surprised me.

I lost my virginity to the Billy Ocean song, ďCaribbean Queen,Ē which is a mortifying fact. We were listening to Billy Joel while we made out. When I realized that we were going to go all the way, I turned on the radio and that song was on. Horrible.

Some of the best sex I ever had was marred because the man tried to talk dirty in English while we were fucking. English was not his first language and he kept trying to say how much he enjoyed my wet. ďI like your wet.Ē

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

© sublingua