The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

Monday, Mar. 30, 2009

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb."
- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Kurt Vonnegut:

It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead. KV

I think that novels that leave out technology misrepresent life as badly as Victorians misrepresented life by leaving out sex.-KV

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. -KV

The process of education as taking you away from your friends and family. (Rae)

Like every person of color, I move through two worlds and I belong to neither.

Identical mops story.

Scallion pancakes, edamame, and a cheese salad.

Things I Wish White People Knew

Maybe you need to know this:

I am a brown girl and proud of it.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell."
- Edna St. Vincent Millay


If we are forced, at every hour, to watch or listen to horrible events, this constant stream of ghastly impressions will deprive even the most delicate among us of all respect for humanity.

Lin Yutang

What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child?

Ernest Hemingway

Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high, and is said to be the highest mountain in Africa. Its western summit is called the Masai 'Ngaje Ngai,' the House of God. Close to the western summit there is the dried and frozen carcass of a leopard. No one has explained what the leopard was seeking at that altitude. (The Snows of Kilimanjaro, 1938)

Jules Renard (1864-1910)
(submitted by Sebastian Thaler)

Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.

Don Marquis
(submitted by , from the opener to "A Love Song for Jerry Fallwell")

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.

Charles Beaumont
(submitted by David Loftus, from HE's introduction to Shatterday)

Attaining success in Hollywood is like climbing a gigantic mountain of cow flop, in order to pluck one perfect rose from the summit. And you find when you've made that hideous climb . . . you've lost the sense of smell.

Dame Margot Fonteyn, 1976
(submitted by, from the introduction of "The New York Review of Bird" in Strange Wine)

The one important thing I have learnt over the years is the difference between taking one's work seriously and taking oneself seriously. The first is imperative and the second disastrous.

Ray Bradbury
(submitted by

The gargoyles have taken over the catherdral.

(submitted by, from "Delusion for a Dragon Slayer")

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.

Q. Industry has spent a fortune trying to develop effective weight-loss drugs. Why don't we have one yet?

A. First, the brain is effectively wired to protect itself. We need to eat to survive, and we have redundant pathways developed over eons that keep us wanting to eat, pushing us to keep our energy systems filled. If you try to interfere with one, others take over.

But a bigger problem is that the receptors these weight-loss drugs act on don't just regulate food intake; they're tied to a lot of other systems. That's true of rimonabant, a weight-loss drug that the F.D.A. has refused to approve. It works on the brain's cannaboid receptors, which are involved in eating and the reward system, but also in anxiety, depression and mood.

And this ties into the biggest problem in treating obesity, which is that people are impatient. If someone responds to such a drug, he may lose a pound or so a week. And no matter what the doctor says, he'll become impatient and take more pills. This may speed up weight loss, but because the drug is also acting on other brain centers, the increased dosage can also induce depression, anxiety, psychosis and suicide.

We have plenty of targets for new drugs. What we need is something more like a smart bomb that zeroes in on a weight-loss target without affecting anything else. Some potential drugs are in the wings, but it will take years before they can be tested in humans. And we'll probably need combinations of drugs that target systems both in the brain and in the body, because one drug targeting one system probably won't produce more than a 10 percent weight reduction, which is not enough for someone who weighs 300 pounds.

Unfortunately, for now and the foreseeable future, the best treatment for obesity is prevention.

The Limits of Willpower
Dr. Barry E. Levin, a neurologist at New Jersey Medical School

Ed Hickling believes he knows why. Hickling is a clinical psychologist from Albany, N.Y., who has studied the effects of fatal auto accidents on the drivers who survive them. He says these people are often judged with disproportionate harshness by the public, even when it was clearly an accident, and even when it was indisputably not their fault.

Humans, Hickling said, have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.

In hyperthermia cases, he believes, the parents are demonized for much the same reasons. "We are vulnerable, but we don't want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we'll be okay. So, when this kind of thing happens to other people, we need to put them in a different category from us. We don't want to resemble them, and the fact that we might is too terrifying to deal with. So, they have to be monsters."

My former mother-in-law was a therapist (she recently retired) and far more dangerous than the above twelve habits was her habit of discussing patients and their problems/sessions with *EVERYONE* including her family, her writing group (where she often wrote about her patients’ stories), and her neighbors. She thought this was acceptable behavior because, as she put it, “they shared that story with me, so in a way, it’s my story, too.”

She had a PhD, by the way, for the guy above who suggested that a PhD somehow prevents unprofessional behavior.
— Virago

And on this same list we find a mother-in-law who liked to talk and talk about her clients and write about them. Presumably this was done without written consent by the clients. This is unprofessional in spades and the woman should have lost her license long ago. No therapist can legally talk about her clients, even to a supervisor, unless and until the client signs a consent form (and it should be specific to whom the therapist will talk and for what reason). If a person finds out a therapist has discussed them with someone else s/he could and should (first tell the therapist and) report the therapist to the relevant licensing Board.// To the person whose mother-in-law it was, this behavior may prevent you, yourself, from ever trusting a therapist; therefore your mother-in-law has done you no service and possible harm, in case you did want to trust a therapist. You can discuss this with a prospective therapist and assess how she answers — can you believe her? Can you make a deal she will not say a word out of line?

The more you know about Milton, the more you hate him. Trust me. Daughters.

What is hidden in the circular nature of my memory? Why this particular cycle? Why Russians in winter? Why MFK Fisher in spring? Why depression now? Why the daily cycle? Fear of darkness falling? Why abandonment? Why stuck in this place? Freed and again stuck? A recurring dream/nightmare.

This week. Goddamn.

That town is a town built on envy.

Your gift to God will be silence.


I don’t own a television. I watch some shows on and some shows via Netflix. On hulu, I watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and a new show called Lie to Me. On Netflix, I’ve watched Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, As Time Goes By, and Action.

Deciding to fight.

There’s television and then there’s nothingness. I prefer nothingness.

I know that I am not writing enough. I am not creating enough. And I’m sinking because of it.

What did I accomplish today? I did the dishes. I watched a movie online. I ate way, way too much: A frozen tamale dinner, pasta, an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels. I surfed the internet for hours.

I need to bust my cycle.

Go to a museum.
Write in a coffee shop.
Wear my contact lenses.
Do some art. (Femo and acrylic paints)

Emblandening procedure

Speaking of Growing Up

There is always the easy way out, although I am loath to use it. I have no children. I do not watch television and I do not believe in God – all paths taken by mortals to make their lives easier. Children help us to defer the painful task of confronting ourselves, and grandchildren take over from them. Television distracts us from the onerous necessity of finding projects to construct in the vacuity of our frivolous lives: by beguiling our eyes, television releases our mind from the great work of making meaning. Finally, God appeases our animal fears and the unbearable prospect that someday all our pleasures will cease. Thus, as I have neither future nor progeny nor pixels to deaden the cosmic awareness of absurdity, and in the certainty of the end and the anticipation of the void, I believe I can affirm that I have not chosen the easy path.

– from The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery

When I am depressed, my mind slows down considerably and it is much easier to concentrate, although I don't remember much of anything afterward. Everything and nothing strikes me as important.

Why am I crying all the time again?

Let’s see how many carbs I can stuff into myself. Carbs raise serotonin levels. I know this, in part, because I used to weight four hundred pounds. It was an effort to combat depression.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

© sublingua