The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

Tuesday, Jan. 20, 2009

Obtober 30, 2003

And if you were more ordinary, he'd love you. And if you were prettier, he'd love you. And if you were dumber, he'd love you. And if you were submissive, he'd love you. He'd love you and prove you worthy and all of your self-doubt and insecurity would vanish, smoke up a chimney like. But you are not these things. You are fat. You are not pretty. (You hesitate to write ugly because you don't want it to be true.) You are smart. (That's something anyway.) You are too outgoing, too friendly. He is indifferent to you and this, of course, contributes to your feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, doubt. (He doesn't really, of course, have the power to make you doubt yourself. You do this by yourself, to yourself, and it's bad. It's pretty bad. You wonder about the thing in the mirror, think it is your true self. She may the the old you, the looking-glass you. Who is she? You should learn to love her. You should make this your mission. You should approach it with a single-mindedness that can't be altered. (As you approach loving anything. Love without concession. Love as though it were new. Love and learn to move past being hurt. Love and accept love. Love and be grateful.)

Be grateful today for Melissa, who said, "Monogamy is my concession to jealousy." Be grateful today for Andrey, your fabulous Russian calculus instructor, who said, "Parenthesis given to us by god to help us." Be grateful today for Nicole, who tells boring, boring stories about how she dressed in high school. Be grateful for the cute boy who sits next to you in calculus. Be grateful for Richard Cripps, whose pronunciation of "Van der Waals" is beautiful, as is he at seven a.m. Be grateful for partial derivatives which make equations fall line dominoes in a line. Be grateful for Vanilla Dreams cigarettes which you smoke because Melissa smokes them. Be grateful for an all-black wardrobe which you wear because Erin wear it. Be grateful for coffee. Be grateful for your Doc Martin boots which you love because they take you everywhere (or so you choose to believe). Be grateful for

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010