|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
October 26, 2005
There isn't another plan, and I wouldn't otherwise be traveling to Singapore, so...how to make the most of this event? Bey seeing and experiencing as much as possible and trying to keep my heart open through all of it.
What is the most difficult attitude to take toward this man who I adore so much? Loving kindness.
This chilly, beautiful October morning, the sky a rich and variegated steel blue-gray. A ride to the airport, pre-dawn, and the momentary, easily forgotten aggravation of security.
to San Francisco to Narita to Singapore
Loving kindness and my Saru.
For 11 days, I have the opportunity to lose all the past injustices and all the imagined and real slights and just love this man. How do I want him to feel when this is finished? Drained and sated.
I try to read a bit about Singapore--fail miserably. Not from disinterest exactly--but from the Gen X cheery cynicism of guidebooks. When I am writing the definitive guidebook, I will make sure that I don't adopt this tone. If I were to write the def. Abq. guidebook, what attitude would I take? What would bleed through? The feeling I have that mimics misunderstanding as to why any outsider would find Abq. interesting?
Abq. guidebooks--NM guidebooks--almost invariably focus on nature--and there is plenty of it here--an abundance of terrifying beauty--deserts to die of thirst in, mountain trails to be lost on...death by beauty, 100% natural. Why all this cynicism? Why not? Where is the gentleness that should inhabit this attitude? Why the editor-in-me always screaming for more cynicism, more darkness? Part of that darkness shadows the rifts, the borderland between who I am (what I am supposed to/able to achieve) and the (early) bedrock of self-doubt laid down in childhood. Thank you, mother. Thank you, father. Thank you, America.
Halfway to Tokyo, I am thinking less of Akira than I am of myself. So, what I want to do it purposefully decide (based on what I really want) what I will do, the tenets of right action, perhaps?
First, I should get out of the way the fact that I am nervous to see him. Most of that nervousness stems from insecurity about my body. I know he loves my body, loves sex with me. But I find it difficult to let go and enjoy the experience--unless I am drunk.
It all stems from an inability to accept and forgive. I can't forgive myself my imperfections--nor can I forgive him his shortcomings. There seems to be no limit to the impossible hurdles, no limit to limitations. And yet, here I am, crossing the globe to be near/with him.
It isn't love that is drawing me there, really--or is it? I am desperate for some shared experience, desperate for--something. desperate and resentful when I should be relaxed and happy.
So--that "should" (?)--is that the first of my right-thinking/right attitude tenets?
Maintain a relaxed and happy attitude. Accept the limitations of the situation, be grateful everyday for what you do have, and enjoy this time you have together, right now.
Remember that this relationship (any relationship with me) is an extreme challenge for him.