|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
In the winter, I begin to sink. This winter I'm trying to keep my head above water and think positively, but when I do that, instead of making me feel better, it makes me feel like a fraud. I feel as though I've veneered myself with a fake positivity, but underneath is all the pus-like negativity that I deal with every day. The real me is that negative being that's slathered with a thin layer of fake positivity. I'm a poorly constructed shell.
This winter, I'm back on pointe, getting back to being healthy. Getting back to the unfamiliar me that I am now starting to appreciate through hindsight. I am working hard. (I could be working harder, but the demons take up so much time and effort that I'm surprised I even have the energy for this.)
The demons. The demons. The PMS Demon has been sitting on my hip for the last couple of days. The PMS Demon tells me that I am ugly. No matter how thin I get, The PMS Demon says, I will always be ugly. The PMS Demon tells me that I will never have another lover. I'm too mean and nasty for anyone to ever love me. The Green-Eyed Demon tells me that everyone else is better than me. Here sister, The Narcissistic Demon, tells me that I am better than everyone else. The Narcissistic Demon hates everyone else.
I feel like one big, ugly knot.
Yesterday, I went for a walk with K. down by the river. We saw cranes. I love cranes. I want to be a crane in the next life--if cranes haven't gone extinct by then. I want to migrate by the stars. I want to sleep by the river. I want everything to be washed away.
This is my new computer. My new MacBook. Max picked it out and he is sad that i am not more excited by it. I want to tell him that during my downward winter spiral, I can't really be excited about anything. (But I don't tell him. And besides, I'd have to admit that it's not just a winter thing.)
What makes me excited? Walking down by the river. The first cup of coffee in the morning. First things. The Brain occupied by something other than gloom.