|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
It's always at this time of year that I get the most horrendous growing pains. It's always at this time of year that I start to see how much of my life I've wasted and how short my time is. It's always at this time of year. Why?
I feel myself slipping, slipping, slipping into the darkness. And I've made up my mind to try something else, but the darkness and the silence is so comforting to me. I want it. If I am honest with myself, then I have to admit that I want it. I want to hide away and never interact with anyone. I want the solitude. I am addicted to it.
I know I have to struggle against it, but I want to submit to it instead. It's not even that I want an excuse to act out. I don't act out anymore. But I want an excuse to fold up into myself--and I want to still be able to call mine a worthwhile life.
All the old rules are gone. All the old rules of naming are gone. All the old criteria for judging are gone. I will never be a mother. I will never be worth that. I may marry again, but I will never be a wife. (The only way I would ever get married again is if I were never ever going to be a wife.) I will never be worth that. So what is left?
If I could purge the darkness, would I do it?
At many times in my life, I would have said yes. When I was in my early 20's, I longed to be like everyone else. I longed to be asleep, too. I wanted to sleepwalk through it. It seemed so simple. Now, I don't know. Now, we're old friends, and it would take something drastic for me to cut away the shadow.