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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Aunt Flo
I'm bleeding as I write this. It's been over a year. When I moved into The Casita, I threw out all the supplies that had been gathering dust for a year, all the pads and tampons that did nothing but remind me that I was not getting my period. I dutifully and dully used birth control even though pregnancy was not a possibility and sex was something that I did to road test the new body rather than out of desire. I believed that I was perimenopausal or even menopausal, though I knew that it was probably more likely that I wasn't getting my period because I had grown too thin, was exercising too much. I spent a year in an interesting state during which men sniffed and preened at the thinnest me, the me that was the most desirable to them, the me that was the most sexless that I had ever been. I did some research and found that women who stop menstruating have descreased bone density, a state that is not reversed when menstruation returns. I thought: Probably this is not such a good idea, to continue on a path that keeps me so thin and muscular that I don't get my period. I thought, let's see what we can do. And the last couple of days? I've felt fat. Heavy. At the back of my mind was the thought that getting my period was probably better for me and that I needed to have the right fat-to-muscle ratio before that was going to happen. I started to eat a bit more and exercise a bit less. It took months for the shift to occur, months of wrangling the demons who would have me weigh nothing, who would have me exercise for hours and hours everyday. As the fat increased and the muscle descreased incrementally, I began to feel sexy again. Not sexy in an outside-the-body way, not sexy because I was, as the thinnest specimen around, being reflected back at myself by the men who find hyperthin women sexy. No, I began to feel voluptuous, sexy to myself, sexy from the inside, sexy the way women find sexy. And fat, too. Heavy. The digestion went to hell, as it tends to do when the period thinks about coming around. I wiped after a pee, saw the dark brown stain, thought: Hmmm. I wonder what that is. My back has been achy, my boobs tender and swollen. The diet veers again so that the body demands a heavier calcium intake. I thought: Hmmm. Strange. I wonder what that's about. And tonight? As I write this I'm bleeding. It's been over a year and I thought my old redheaded friend was gone. But here she is. Welcome back, beauty. I missed you.
More lies:
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