sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

Demons Are In The Details
Monday, May. 09, 2005

Just One More Little Thing

I wrote yesterday about the habits of depression, and it struck me this morning that there is one other important point to make about that, and that is: Sometimes it's hard for me to discern the line between when I am just going through the motions of depression out of habit and when I am actually depressed.

I know that a single bad day doesn't equal depression. I know that depression is more profound than that. But when does a single bad day or a run of bad days even, when coupled with the habits of depression slide into depression itself? This is not always easy to tell--in fact, that's putting it mildly. It's never easy to tell when it's not just bad days + habit, but when it's actually depression. Is it depression when I start to think of suicide as the only way out of the dilemmas that I am facing? Is it depression when I am unable to reason my way out of habitual action? I don't know the answers to these questions yet.

Just before I met Mitch, I was planning on graduate school and had started the application process. Then depression struck. It was familiar and profound. I sought out a new therapist, it was so bad. And in the course of a few sessions, I realized that I was becoming depressed because I dreaded graduate school. I really did. I didn't really want to go and I was forcing myself to make this decision that was going to affect the next many, many years of my life. Once I realized this, I felt lighter. Not going to graduate school. Problem solved. Except...

Except that then I had to deal with the weight of everyone's expectations, including mine. The people who love me, support me emotionally, want me to go to graduate school and I don't want to. How do I deal with that? Depressed is a neat solution, because it gets me out of having to deal with those expectations. People won't push if they think you're "sick" or on the edge of doing something drastic. And I don't meant to sound cynical or as though getting out of a depressive state is easy. Because it's not. As I began this paragraph, I was going to write about the crushing weight of expectation, about how we squeeze our souls down to fit into the boxes that the people who care about us offer to us as ways to prove that we accept their terms.

It takes a lot of strength (strength that depressed people don't have) to fight against those expectations. It takes a self-confidence that many can't muster when they're just barely able to keep their heads above water. It takes courage to say to the people who love you: I love you back, but I'm not going to do what you want me to do in this case. It takes a lot to deal with their disappointment, to convince yourself that they'll still care about you even when you're doing what they don't necessarily want you to do. And most of the time, they can't really deal with the fact that they're saddling you with the weight. Oh, you accept it, but when you stop accepting it, it's like pulling the rug out from under everyone's feet.

Saying that you're going to live your life the way you decide is best for you is not easy for people to hear. And if you've always been the good girl, the girl who conforms, it can get pretty bad when you stop conforming. People don't like it. And, add to that the fact that you really often need support to break away but can't get it from the people who have traditionally supported you, well...the problem just compounds. Becoming depressed makes sense then. It's really the path of least resistance.

There's more. There's always more. But the demons are gathering on the horizon, led by The Depressed Demon, The Homesick Demon, The Demon Who Could Never Leave Her Family. They are gathering their siblings, their friends, all the other relevant demons: The Demon Of Procrastination, The Demon Who Loves You, The Demon Who Puts Down Roots, The Xenophobic Demon, The Demon Who Feels Unloved even. They're all coming.

And right now I have to spend some time repairing my armor, strengthening my borders, learning how to remain a disciple of life rather than falling to darkness.

I am still the Demon Wrangler.

I Am Still Grateful

I am grateful for hummingbirds, tough little things that they are. I am grateful for huge flies, for K & K's enormous collection of music, for Lew, for Max, for a quiet day, for coffee-flavored nonfat frozen yogurt. I am grateful for the gym, for minestrone soup. I am grateful for coffee, for my grandmother and mother, for May. I am grateful. I am grateful for x, for this time, for this morning spent in solitude. I am grateful for this moment, for this opportunity to wrangle demons. I am grateful for demons. They're my teachers, they're my lessons, they're important to me and I vow to fight them with everything I have until they're gone.

Thanks be to Demons.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

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