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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Demon Revisited
Keeper? Matthew calls himself shy, he writes me that he has a quoteunquote problem with self-esteem. He writes about his dating history ("three or four girls," a three year relationship). He writes that he just wants friends to hang out with once a week. He has no idea that, in the dream that is my waking life, he is the present incarnation of another demon. He is the phoenix that has risen up out of the ashes of an old demon, a demon I destroyed by freezing him, by burning him, by razing him out of myself. Matthew writes that he's seeing a girl who he's rapidly losing interest in, that the only reason he was interested in the first place was because she showed interest in him. He's no longer interested but doesn't have what he calls an exit strategy. He writes that he'll probably just stop calling her. (Her name is Emily.) He writes that this has been a problem for him in the past. By this, he reveals a blind spot in himself, the inability to see things through in a relationship, an inability to compromise, a reluctance to accept imperfection, the reluctance to work through problems. I was supposed to have learned this lesson the first time around, but I haven't, and here it is again, as large as life and twice as insidious. I fought it as best I could last time and perhaps part of that meant burying it in myself, hiding the evidence from everyone (including myself). But demons are zombie-like in their habits, and this one has spent a year underground, is ready now to resurface. I spent part of the night sleepless, plugged into the universe, a radio receiver tuned to his thoughts. I ran a bath, climbed in, tried to find comfort, tried to drown him again. (I tried this last time.) I know that now is not the time to seek comfort, that now is the time to move on.
More lies:
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