sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

Aunt Nancy Says Go
Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004

I went to a party last night.

Let me just say: I don't go to parties willingly. I hate parties. I hate all those gatherings where I'm supposed to have a good time and meet new people. It always turns out that I don't have such a good time and instead of mingling and meeting new people, I end up sitting in the corner, desperately clinging to the one or two people I know. So I don't go to parties.

So how did it come about that I went to a party last night?

The xbry called on Tuesday night at 9:30. For some reason known only to the Universe at large, I had accidentally saved The Demon Who Always Does The Right Thing's phone number under xbry's listing. Everytime The Demon called, xbry's name came up. I usually don't pick up for the xbry, but I do pick up for The Demon so when the xbry's name came up, I thought, hmmm, The Demon never calls after nine p.m., so it must be some emergency, and I answered. It was, of course the xbry. He invited me to a party and, in my confusion, I accepted his invitation with a hearty, "I'll be there!"

But see, me? I don't go to parties. And I wasn't planning on going to the xbry's party either. I wasn't going to go, and I was prepared to face the guilt of skipping out on an invitation and having to make an excuse the next time I encountered the xbry. So, the invitation was for 6:00 p.m., and at 5:40 I was preparing dinner (lentil and cauliflower curry) and not for a party. I wasn't going to no stinking party. I was going to sit at home and wrangle guilt instead. I thought about how, earlier in the day, I had wished to meet some new guys, to have some new distraction, some lust interest added to my life (as Judi would say), and how this was an opportunity for this to happen, this party, and I was choosing not to go because I hate parties. I thought about how I had told the xbry that I would go, even though the other guests were going to be unknown quantities to me, were going to be a bevy of unknown fellow physicists from the xbry's department, and I like me an intelligent guy, I like me some physicist boys, but I wasn't going to go because I hate parties.

Correction: Fat Sublingua hated parties. I don't know what Thin Sublingua likes.

But no matter: Fat Sublingua was going to win out this time. I wasn't going to no stinking party where no one would talk to me because I was the token fat chick. I wasn't going to go to no stinking party where no one would get near the fat chick except on a dare, to prove to themselves that they aren't prejudiced against fat people. I was going to stay home with Fat Sublingua and we would have our low-fat lentil and cauliflower curry with Thin Sublingua, and all of us would be as one and Thin Sublingua would stay parked in the garage. It was all settled--I mean, it was all decided. Nothing was settled. I was staying in.

As I moved around my tiny kitchen, the dream that is my waking life took one of those strange turns: A huge spider made her way into the center of the kitchen floor and sat there.

I love spiders. I love spiders because they are the embodiment of female energy, female sexuality, and their intrusion into the dream that is my waking life is a potent reminder of this quality that I have tried so hard all my life to forget that I possess.

I welcomed her, as I do all spiders that make themselves known to me, and I went on preparing dinner and wrangling the guilt of not going to no stinking party despite having given my word. She continued to sit in the very center of my kitchen floor, so that I had to be careful of her presence, careful to note her position, careful that I didn't forget where she was and accidentally step on her.

She reminded me that I was a new person and had yet to explore much of the world as Thin Sublingua. Maybe Thin Sublingua will like parties and people won't ignore her, my spider companion suggested. Maybe Thin Sublingua will get a few looks from the assembled physicists and new friendships will blossom with possibility, my spider companion suggested. Maybe, she suggested, you'll have a good time.

She sat.

She sat, and I conceded. If she was brave enough to come out and remind me of these things at risk to her own safety, the least I could do would be to risk my own composure.

5:42 found me gulping my too hot lentil curry dinner while standing at the bathroom sink combing out my hair and putting on some makeup. 6:10 found me pulling out a bowl to present to the xbry as a party gift. 6:12 found me on the way to the xbry's apartment. 6:24 found me in a group of strangers, chatting up a storm, making new friends, getting the eye from a couple of the guys.

And okay, I'll admit: I enjoyed myself. I did. For three hours, I joked and flirted and played games and I enjoyed it. I may even let myself be guilted into another party...

Maybe.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

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