sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

A Schizophrenic Little Collective of Demonic Happenings
Friday, Jul. 30, 2004

I have just a few moments to post an entry, and I haven't the foggiest idea of what to talk about.

I just left one of the ubiquitous Starbucks, where I had an iced Americano and studied for about an hour and a half. My brain is so unused to the long focus required by study and memorization, but I persisted, jumping around a bit from subject to subject until I calmed down. After studying, I wrote for a while, wrote about the recent spate of rejections that have me in that dancer/model obsessive mindset which I know enough about to know that I have to just let it play itself out.

Before the Starbucks, I mopped floors and scrubbed baseboards in my tiny little apartment. August 1 marks the one year anniversary of my independence and the symbol of my independence, my apartment, needs to be pared down to reflect my existence on the day I moved in, a day I wrote about here. I was crazy in those days--those days being three hundred and sixy-two days ago. I was crazy and every and anything was possible. Now, I feel bounded by what is impossible, and I ache to break free. But instead, I do things like:

I had lunch with Max and Ladas today. We went to a chain restaurant that claims to serve Chinese food, but which really serves grease over otherwise innocuous foods like chicken, tofu and vegetables. Ladas (The Demon Formerly Known As Gryphon) had a dream that he wanted me to interpret. We talked about that for a bit and about weight loss too. He had asked Max a while back about the ramifications of my changing my life so that two-hundred and ten pounds went away. He didn't truly want to hear the answer (no one does) as to what motivated me and what has allowed me to succeed.

Before lunch, there was a walk with Judi around the golf course. Judi, too, brought up a dream that she had the night before (both hers and Ladas's dreams had something to do with people who they once pursued friendships with but who ultimately came to disappoint them--the theme was stronger in Judi's dream than in Ladas's, but I still found it curious, like in One Hundred Years Of Solitude when everyone comes down with sleep sickness and begin to dream the dreams of others.) Despite being a psychiatric nurse, Judi has no patience for dream interpretation/analysis as she believes that dreams are only random firings of neurons in the brain. (And, coming from such a closed set, I don't see how they could be so blatantly random, but it's no use arguing with Judi when it comes to such things. So I did my best, despite her disbelief, to interpret her dream, and got some headway made, though not much.)

And last night I watched bits and pieces of some half-heartedly rented movies, a schizophrenic collection that included High Fidelity, a 1928 silent film called Pandora's Box starring Louise Brooks, a German film by Adlon called Sugarbaby, and Sleepy Hollow.

Anyway, time's up.

Love you, Demons. Have a Good Weekend.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

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