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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Church-Going Demon
The Museum This afternoon Max and I went off to the museum where I was a docent once, in another lifetime, almost twenty years ago. As we walked among the run down exhibits of fossils and dinosaurs, we talked about the relationship between trunk size and tooth morphology in what have become modern day pachyderms. We talked about why birds survived the extinction event that killed off all the dinosaurs. We talked about anaerobic bacteria. We talked about the lifecycle of sea anemones. I told, yet again, of how, when I was a docent, one of my jobs was to feed the lizards and reptiles on display. I used to hate having to handle their food--live crickets--so that I'd just kick any cricket that fell on the floor under the counter. The place is probably infested by now with crickets. Max took a picture of a cast of a Tyranosaurus rex skull that was perched in a somewhat cavalier manner on a ledge about fourteen feet off the ground.
Dinner After the museum visit, we went off to dinner at a fondue place nearby. We had made reservations, but were early and so planned to sit in the bar and have a few drinks. I had a raspberry martini and Max had a margarita and I realized that one of the nice things about being a newfound lightweight is that a single martini had me just about under the table. (Of course, this didn't stop me from having wine with dinner.) We had cheese fondue, fondue entrees, and chocolate fondue for dessert. It was quite a meal--as it was intended to be since we had skipped fondue on Max's birthday at the beginning of this month. Our waiter was a charmer named Will. Over dinner, we talked about weight loss, loss in general, and the recent movement to out gay and lesbians who work for politicians who support the movement to ban same-sex marriages. After dinner, we took a walk. The Walk We walked past the church where my niece made her confirmation several years ago and took pictures in the garden in front of the rectory. Max looks relaxed, doesn't he?
I look stressed, don't I?
We went inside the church and sat for a while listening to part of a rehearsal for the group that must play music for services. They weren't very good, but they were very earnest. While I sat, I thought about The Aka Demon and how his life revolved around religion and how much that used to draw me to him. I thought about how much of my life is devoid of spirituality and about how I miss the feelings and the sensual pleasures (if that is a word that can be applied in this case) of churches, and for a few moments was nostalgic enough for it that I was close to tears. This nostalgia lasted until I recalled the hypocrisy of so many church goers--including myself. After a bit, we left the church, walked a bit more, then headed home. Saying What I Am Trying To Avoid Saying My birthday is in a week. In seven days, I will be thirty-three years old and I have wasted so much time. I am struggling to get my life back on track and I need to focus on moving forward. There is more, but I don't know yet how to say it. I don't know yet how to let go of what holds me back. I will only learn by doing. And, too, I am tired. I am tired of it all and tired of struggling. Here I Am In The Garden In Front Of The Rectory
I want to run.
More lies:
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