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Anorexia Demonosa
Twice in the past week, I have had conversations with people that I trust who have suggested that my diet and exercise habits may be bordering on those exhibited by women who have anorexia nervosa. What is anorexia nervosa? The first conversation was with Judi, my walking buddy who was thrilled by my telling her that I bought a size 4 skirt. Judi is trained as a nurse who specialized in psychiatric disorders, so when Judi speaks, I listen. I was telling her about my bakery meltdown and the kind of thought that had gone through my head when I saw a group of fat women ordering cake and pie. She asked if I ever, besides sushi, went out for meals. I told her that sushi was my favorite, but that I had from time to time, gone out for other meals but that it was difficult for me to do so, knowing that I was going to have to face ordering in restaurants that seem to specialize in various combinations of fat and carbohydrates. She asked me then if I recognized that my thinking was beginning to border a kind of black and white thinking that is common to people with eating disorders. I said that I did, but that I didn't think that I had an eating disorder. And I truly don't think that I do have an eating disorder. I don't fear eating--in fact, I eat six or seven small meals throughout the course of a day. Though I shun fatty foods and close to all refined carbohydrates in favor of vegetables and vegetable-based protein, I still have a well-stocked kitchen and I eat constantly. I also eat so as to fuel my workouts, which differs from the classical anorexic behavior of eating and then working out excessively to burn calories. (I link exercise to calories, but in a pattern that more closely resembles that used by bodybuilders, who eat carb and protein based meals before and after a workout to promote muscle growth.) While it's true that my caloric consumption varies between 1,100 and 1,600 calories per day (which is low for body builders), I don't pay strict attention to the calories of the foods that I eat. In terms of exercise, I work out four to six times a week, doing cardio somewhat reluctantly, but lifting like the big boys at least four and generally five days a week because I love to do it. I try to pay attention to when my body needs to rest because I know that you only build muscle in the rest periods between lifting. I try not to run two days off in a row, but I will do it if I feel that my body needs it. And I recognize that despite what I consider to be an intelligent and diligent (if somewhat single-minded) approach to diet and exercise, some of my behavior has begun border on anorexia. For example, I have a really rough time ingesting any food with fat in it. As a result, I eat probably eat less than 10g of fat on an average day, counting all the food that I consume. I have cut out foods from my diet that I consider to be fat-laden, even as treats (things like peanut butter, all cheeses, all meats except low-fat fish, all fried foods) and I never, ever cook with fat or oil or add fats to food. I also have cut out all carbohydrates with the exception of vegetables and very occasionally very low-fat, high-fiber pita bread. I don't eat regular bread or even low-fat, high-fiber bread anymore. I don't eat pasta or rice (unless I'm eating sushi). I don't consume cereals or grains. I have cut out dairy products with the exception of fat-free plain yogurt. I don't drink milk or eat ice cream. As far as protein goes, I eat, as I said, mainly soy protein (which has no fat in it and far fewer calories than red meat or chicken), egg whites (classic bodybuilder fare because of its high usable protein content), and raw fish once or twice a week. So, yes, I very strictly control my diet. And that strict control sometimes clashes with my social life. I will go out with friends to dinner, or go to potlucks, but I will not eat unless the food conforms to my requirements. I don't care if I offend anyone over it, as I consider that my diet is much like that of an orthodox Jew who only eats kosher, or vegetarians who won't eat meat ever. (And, too, having once been a vegetarian, I once would have gladly strangled any vegetarian who would verbally insult a, say, "vegetarian" tuna casserole served to them well-intentioned host.) So, I will show up to socialize, but I refuse to eat anything that I wouldn't eat otherwise. And, too, I am rife with the ubiquitous body image problems. (Yes, I realize that this describes about 99% of the women in the Western world and beyond.) I consider, for example, my thighs to be huge, though I can fit three fingers through the space between them when I'm sitting. I consider my calves to be similarly outsized--also a fallacious belief--but any mirror that says otherwise must be a lying mirror. I can see my ribs, but I don't consider myself thin. (At the same time, I am hellaciously muscular and love this aspect of my body. My calves are beautiful and I have the best set of defined arms around. I'm also slowly revealing a six-pack of a tummy and well-developed quads besides.) In further regards to my being "too" thin, I am about 9-11% below the suggested weight for women my age and height. A couple of months ago, I reached my goal weight--a goal set about eighteen months ago--and should have begun a maintenance phase. but decided to keep on going. I'm in the groove as far as eating and exercising are concerned, and I like it here. If I keep up my present habits, though, I will continue to lose weight. How low can I go? That remains to be seen. I'm not yet uncomfortable by how thin I am--but I don't know how this will work as a yardstick as anorexics are never "comfortable" with thinness, and always think themselves fat. Similarly, I have recently begun to suffer from amenorreah, also a classic symptom of anorexic women. There are other symptoms, too, that are more emotional than physial. The personality changes that she may experience will be those of increasing seriousness and introversion. She will become less outgoing and less fun. She will usually begin to lose contact with her friends and may appear to lose interest in everything apart from food and academic work. She may show increased obsessional behaviour especially in the kitchen where she may become concerned with cleanliness, orderliness and precise timing of meals. She may well seem to wish to cook for the family and appear to encourage them to overeat. She will regress and appear to lose confidence. She may become less assertive, less argumentative and more dependant. At the same time her behaviour will increasingly control the lives of all around her. I spoke with Max, who grew up rail thin, like so many of those boys who probably couldn't keep the pounds on even if they could figure out a way to eat while they slept. Max's parents used to buy him cases of candy and granola bars in an attempt to get him to gain weight (but would padlock the freezer in the garage in an attempt to get his sister to lose weight). Max has heard comments that other people don't dare anymore to make to me, comments about how skinny I'm getting. (And I had it out one day with one of the women in his office who referred to me as "skinny" because I believe its wrong to comment on anyone's size no matter what that size is.) These comments remind him of those childhood nicknames that it seems all thin kids get hit with (Beanpole, stick-boy/girl--you get the idea) and all those "clever" little things that people think to say to tall, thin children and their parents ("Do you play basketball?" "Don't you feed this guy?") Max was worried that those comments might have similar psychological effect that they had on him as a child. But you know what? They don�t. I learned, over years of being fat, that people�s opinions of my body were just that: Their opinions. And those opinions had no bearing on what I was going to do with my body. (And I say that recognizing that fat prejudice exists and causes fat people to have to withstand enormous amounts of stress caused by societal pressures and sanctions levied against them.) But I have undergone other types of personality changes as I�ve lost weight. I have become more serious and less fun. I attribute that mainly to not having to be the fat clown, not having to be the funny, overwhelmingly nice girl who makes jokes in an attempt to make you forget that she�s fat. I also think a certain amount of my supposedly newfound seriousness comes from being taken more seriously�and being expected to be more serious�as a woman who has reached her early-30�s. There�s a certain amount of maturity that I exhibit that is age and not weight dependent, is what I�m trying to say here. At the same time, I do have some obsessive behaviors that revolve around food. I won�t let anyone else cook for me because they might add dreaded fat to food. I won�t eat food that I can�t gauge the content of (for example, most restaurant food). I weigh and measure all foods that I don�t consider to be �free� (which includes most vegetables). I don�t eat fruit (again, unless I weigh and measure it accurately.) I very strictly control portion sizes and won�t generally eat more than a single serving of a given food in a twenty-four hour period. There is no denying that I have been extraordinarily successful at losing weight�and that I will be extraordinarily successful at keeping the weight off. I would sacrifice anything to never be fat again, and at times have considered that that sacrifice would include my life. So, am I anorexic? And the cynical answer is: No, I�m still too fat to be considered anorexic. But the real answer is that, no, I�m not anorexic, if only because I am committed to maintaining an awareness of how my thinking and behavior may border that exhibited by an anorexic, but that I am diligent in seeking out ways to keep myself from thinking or behaving like an anorexic. [All quotes taken from online sources.]
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