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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Briefly, Demons
When You Rush To Meet Your Fate, You Are Granted The Gift Of Foresight Last night my neighbor, The World's Dumbest Physics Major, closed down the bars and came home with her usual gaggle of drunk-loud barmen. They woke me by loudly playing Bjork, the Bjork CD that I listen to at the gym when I run. Next door, Angelique The 21-Year-Old Hottie was loudly fucking Permanent Boy (so named so as to distinguish him from her Interim Boys, the boys she makes do with between Permanent Boy's visits). I lay in bed listening to the noise around me and thought about calling Sophistica. She would answer saying, "Is this not a good time?" and I would have to laugh. It was three in the morning, her time, so I didn't call. I lay in bed thinking, Run, Sublingua. Get out of bed and run. I lay in bed listening for a while, thinking instead about the blessing of this two a.m. wake-up call. In the gym the afternoon before, a old song by A Perfect Circle had come on the radio. I had listened to their last CD over and over after I left Max and was left alone in my apartment. I had listened to their last CD while I wrangled the Aka Demon, through all the moments that I thought I would die if I couldn't have him, all through the moments when I was coming to realize that I never would have him. I got out of bed, got dressed in my jeans and the lavender shirt I had been wearing when I came home, and I dug down through my CDs for the Aka Demon soundtracks, the music I was listening to last year when I my heart--the same heart I had given up for dead--was raw and alive, was so near the surface, was calling every second for the Aka Demon. I dug down through my CD collection for A Perfect Circle, for Elvis Costello's When I Was Cruel, for Gorillaz. I took my journal, the printed-out entries about Fu, my camera, my phone. I ran. It was dark outside. The clock said it was sixteen minutes before three in the morning. I drove for hours down familiar and unfamiliar roads both, drove to nearby cities, through nearby cities. I ran down the same roads that I was running down last year when I was wrangling the Aka Demon. I listened to A Perfect Circle asking me how I was planning to go about making my amends to the dead. I thought about Robert, thought, You're the lucky one. I yelled out the window at passing cars. I called out to the Aka Demon, not wanting to call him forth, but wanting to frighten myself with the possibility. I drove past prisons, past casinos, past little towns with little galleries whose owners tried to chase me down to show my work. I sang along to Elvis Costello, to the Gorillaz. I thought-- Calling All Demons Late this morning, Sophistica called me, woke me up. We talked until her phone battery died, then I called x. We talked until his phone battery died. Mayflower called. She was going out shopping, wanted to know if I wanted to come along. I went. While we were waiting to order our lunch, the Aisho called. I told him I'd call him back. I had lunch, left Mayflower, called The Demon Who Always Does The Right Thing. I talked to her until my phone battery died. I plugged in my phone and went to the studio to work. I worked on Fu's piece, glazed ten bowls that have been sitting on my shelves for weeks, talked to Kim, talked to Karla. I ate dinner. I came home. I wasn't going to call the Aisho back, but I had said that I would, had given some semblance of my word to do so, so I did. (It was Sophistica, in the Aka Demon Days who told me, "You said you'd call. If you say you're going to call, then you have to call or else your word means nothing." It was Sophistica, in the Aka Demon Days, who said, "Be the better person.") The conversation was brief. I made arrangements for Fu to come next Sunday and pick a piece for himself. The List I am grateful for these things: a basking lizard, Mayflower, Sophistica, x, Max. I am grateful for these things: unfamiliar roads, a raw heart, my life. I am grateful for these things: a sunrise and a sunset, familiar roads, the truth. I am grateful for these things: Kim, Karla, music. I am grateful for these things.
More lies:
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