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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demon of Miscellanea
This Is A Sublingua Paper Journal Exclusive: Why does this feel so big? Why does it feel like such a risk? Only because I know my own heart, know that the potential for before and after exist. There is the heart that wants to stay open, the heart of the mind that carries memories of past hurts, the mind of the heart that chews on emotion. (The Demon With The Four-Chambered Heart, The Many-Hearted Demon.) There is the heart that is a compass, that points to true north. There is the heart that is a pinwheel, that blows with the prevailing winds. There is the heart that runs obsessively through every possibility from the time it wakes in the middle of the night until the time it falls, exhausted, into bed at noon. There is the heart that never wakes, and the heart that rose from the dead. There is the heart I can't stop and the heart I can't get started. There is the heart I wear like a badge, the heart that is a nuisance, the heart that hides from the scent of danger, the heart which, like a child, I love. Which heart did I pull this morning? And why do I imagine that I had anything at all to do with this decision? Deviant What happens when you deviate from the inner path? You lose--I lose--No, wait. Start again. What happens to me when I deviate from the inner path, ignore the inner voice, lose sight of inner truth? I smoke. I drink. I eat too much. I eat nothing at all. I lose my enthusiasm for the things I normally love to do. I isolate myself from others in shame. I hide. I ignore the signals my body sends. I ignore myself, deprive myself. I rush to do distracting and potentially harmful things. I gravitate towards the wrong (kinds of) people. I feel wrong and ignore it. I don't sleep well. I sleep too much. I'm tired all the time. I nap in the afternoons and wake up more tired than when I lay down. I use food to bandage shame and misery or to punish myself. I watch as an observer instead of living my life. Tasks go undone. I try to live on cigarettes and coffee. I abandon those who would judge me or support me. I conveniently lose the ability to see and interpret messages from the universe. I still learn lessons, but dully, without putting my soul into it, without putting my heart into it. My heart sighs and pulls down the shades. I obsess. I fall back on routine instead of remaining present. I lie. I sit in sushi bars and drink until I can't control myself, my words, my emotions. I agonize over the wrong people. I go willingly among demons, but find I'm doing it for pleasure and not for work. "Me, Cynical? You Say That Like It's A Bad Thing." --Pam's reply when her mother accused her of being cynical, ca. 1995. The Mail A bill from the gas/electric company for $127.30. Did I really use that much gas and electricity in the last two months? NicI and Steve's wedding invitation. I look at the response card. I chose the chicken. For dinner I mean. Nicolas's graduation announcement from my alma mater. Has this much time elapsed? With much fondness, I remember a sweet little boy who is about to graduate from high school. Who is this nostalgic woman. There's A List And It Never Goes Out I am grateful. I am grateful for Nicolas, for Rutgirl, his aunt, for chess. I am grateful for Cliff's Bars, for bathtubs, for The Demon Who Always Does The Right Thing. I am grateful for Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke, Diet Dr. Pepper. I am grateful for x, who leaves the most cryptic messages supposedly in response to my own crypic messages. I am grateful for The Boy, who strides confidently down the street with his katana. I am grateful for my friends, who refuse to abandon me. I am grateful for a morning walk with Max and Judi. I am grateful for a dog who loves me. I am grateful. I am grateful for laughter, for sadness, for an afternoon of wind. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.
More lies:
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