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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demon Who Is Committed To Traveling Light
Dreamt a few nights ago about the Aisho-san. We were in a bathroom. We each had a tumbler full of white wine. I put my arm around his neck and he moved closer, but quickly, trapping one of his arms between us and putting his other arm around me. I laughed at the awkwardness of it and moved slightly away so that he could get his trapped arm out from inbetween us. He did, and put it around me and pulled me closer to him. We kissed each other deeply. At first he was leaning against the sink, and then I was. Our tumblers of wine went onto the ledge of the sink, near the faucets. We pulled off our own and each other's clothes, and he lifted me onto the edge of the sink. I stopped him, telling him that we needed a condom. He said that he had condoms upstairs. I pulled a robe off the back of the bathroom door and put it on, following him upstairs. He went into another bathroom and began to look in the cabinets. I stood in the bathroom door, watching him, and looking too down the hall into his darkened bedroom. I was aware that there were other people in the house, and as I woke, thought, you can't be too loud when you're fucking him. But the condom thing? That stuck with me after the dream had ended. I kept thinking about why--in a dream, where pregnancy is not nececessarily a concern--I made him stop, telling him that we needed a condom. Finally, I realized that the whole Aisho-san episode has been about protection. It's been about protecting myself, about finding out how he protects himself. About trying to learn when it's necessary to protect, when it's necessary to reveal. And I feel a bit like Lynda Barry must, when she wrote in One Hundred Demons about running out of time. She was writing about having run out of time on the possibility of having children, running out of time while she tried to figure out a way to be a good parent before she had children so as to not fuck them up too badly. And, I mean, it's not as though my biological clock were ticking. (As a matter of fact it sounds like one of those thumping bass-heavy car radios most of the time, but I don't care because I don't want children ever.) But things are winding down. I try to console myself with the thought that there will be other Aisho-sans.
More lies:
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