sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

The Demon Who's Running Out Of Time
Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004

My Beloved,

You once made one of those remarks that I was sure was meant for me to read something more into--one of those remarks that you make in that quiet voice meant to be heard below the din of the conversation going on around us. You said, "Relationships take months and years to build up." And I believe you. I believe you with everything I know about relationships. But though I believe you, I could only honestly reply, "I haven't got that kind of time."

And I don't. I just sent off an email that is meant to put into motion the kind of plan that is going to take me away from the beautiful possibility of you if I let it. And I have no real choice at this point in time but to let it. I wish things were otherwise, but they're not. I don't have the kind of time anymore that you think it would take to build up a relationship. I'm trying to be fair about this because you put yourself out there with your expectations. I don't have months and years here.

But I do have a moment now. I do have enough time right now to try to explain a bit about why I don't have that kind of time.

I suppose I should tell you first about the last year of my life: I did nothing but fall into inappropriate love all last year. I was married then, which made things inherently inappropriate, but then I also piled more on top of that mess by falling in love. I fell in love with someone else's husband (and thankfully did nothing about it). I fell in love with someone whom I thought loved me back (but who thankfully did not). Those fiascos took up most of last year--by the end of which, I was heartbroken and exhausted. I was sure then that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. I have friends of course--wonderful, caring, giving friends--but those friendships are different from the kind of partner that I want.

What do I want? I want someone who is intelligent, accepting, with a wonderful sense of humor. I want someone who is mature and giving and growing and learning. I want someone who believes in their work, who understands that lives are meant to be shared, are not meant to be lived selfishly. I want someone who knows what they want and believes that they have the means to get it. I want someone whose goals are those of a mature mind and spirit. I want someone who dreams and whose dreams are unbounded--not someone who dreams only of attaining material things. I want someone who believes in their own (and my) spirit. I want someone who is positive and supportive and who is willing to accept that I am an independent, intelligent woman.

And I can offer you a loving heart and a sense of humor. I can offer you respect and I can honor you and I can be your partner and companion. And all that makes me sound like the most loyal dog there is, but it's all true. I can tell (and show) you that I am working on myself too, working at being a better person, working at understanding. I can offer you my belief that compassion and commitment go together.

And I didn't even know I wanted these things or that I was capable of offering you these things until I considered you.

I'm trying to "put it out there," as The Demon Who Always Does The Right Thing would say. I know, I know. I know that I have to do more, put more out there despite the clock's winding down. I will try. I promise.

I wish I had more time. But I don't. I hope that what I do have is enough.

Is it?

Your,

Sublingua

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

� sublingua sublingua.diaryland.com.