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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demon Concerns
To Whom It May Concern: Dear Heart, You can just call if you want to see or speak to me, or you can come by. I'm not on campus anymore, which you may or may not know, but I'm still living in the same place. I'm still at the same phone number. I still have the same email address at Yahoo (but I haven't checked my university account in over a month). I assume that your recent interest means that you want to talk or that something happened that you want me to know about. That, or you just want to know how I am, in which case you're welcome to come and ask. There's no shame in being curious about what's going on with me. Once upon a time we were relatively good friends, and that kind of friendship is not always easy to let go of. I've been curious too about how you are, how you have been, how things are going with you. (I do get a few very non-specific updates from time to time: Melissa says that you're "friendly in a stand-offish kind of way" toward her. But that's about it.) However, I won't call as the last time we spoke you gave every indication that you weren't interested in hearing from me again. (I will tell you though that there have been times when I have missed you and thought about calling. I thought about it on your birthday and at new years--times when I thought you might be willing to accept my good wishes. But I was afraid of yet more rejection so instead I just sent them out and hoped that you might receive them some other way.) You don't have to worry that I'm going to try anything like the incidents that happened earlier. If you're not attracted to me then you're not attracted to me and I'm certainly not interested in spending another minute trying to convince another man that I'm worthy of that kind of consideration. In any case, whatever way you decide to approach this is fine. Or if you don't want to approach it at all, that's fine too. (The latter is what I've been expecting, assuming, and learning to live with.) Your-- Sublingua To Whom It Does Concern: After the "sublingua" Google search incident, I went over to talk to The Demon Who Does The Right Thing. I wanted her opinion of the situation. It's clear which demon came to look at my humble little diary, though it's not at all clear why he would want to after all this time. We talked about that--she suggesting that I not worry. (And I haven't, though it makes me ache a bit to think about lost friendships in general and about my more obvious failures.) But mostly I wanted to talk to her about the feeling that's been permeating my existence the last three or four days and all the means of protection that the universe has been offering to me. She doesn't think me strange for trying to interpret the feelings, or listen to my intuition, or read the signs all around me. (Thank you, universe, for someone who understands.) We also talked about the Aisho-san and I listened to her advice about how to deal with the issues I'm having. I'm still quite ambivalent about the whole thing, thinking his interest not sincere, despite its obviousness sincerity. It's frustrating that I don't trust my feelings when it comes to this. I don't know how to handle that very well. Good lessons anyway. (Probably? Right? Right?) To Whom It May Apply: Sometimes people who know me and read my diary read something that they relate to (but that is completely unrelated to them) and think that I'm writing about them, about their situation and not about my own. I'm usually pretty careful to identify all the players in a given situation, if for no other reason than that I've kept paper diaries most of my life and have learned the lesson that the details of most lessons are soon forgotten. That is, if I only write the moral of the story, then I have in the past often very quickly forgotten what the story itself was about. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. For example, I've forgotten the name of the boyfriend of the guy with whom Max cheated (though I recall his having a girlfriend to whom he would never admit that he was gay and with whom he had a baby that was given up for adoption). God, what made me bring that up? Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
More lies:
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