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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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Killing the Wifely Demon
Up late last night finishing quant homework and arguing with Max. Well, not arguing exactly, but discussing things. He's been really upset with me lately and I'm trying to uncover why without getting sucked into being the emotional dumping-ground. He claims to be upset because my leaving (seven months ago and counting) robbed him of his illusions that we were going to have this kind of extended and perfect life together complete with kids and a house in the 'burbs. Or something. And I try not to get very cynical about his expressing this expectation because it's clear that what he's truly expressing is that he feels abandoned and is worried that he's going to spend the rest of his life alone. But what he forgets when he expresses a disappointment in the loss of these expectations is that I was miserable with him. (And that has nothing to do with the kind of person he is, because he's a wonderful person and I still love him very much. What I should say is that, if you're a woman, life with a gay man is miserable. That's just a sad fact of life. And it's especially miserable if you want things like passionate or romantic love as part of your life. And those things aren't absolute necessities, but I can't imagine living without them--if only because I spent so long living without them.) Anyway, he's upset with me and I don't want to have to deal with it because it feels like he wants me to deal with it as though I were still The Wifely Demon. And I refuse to do it. I absolutely refuse. So that really means that we're trying, from my point of view, to work out what my responsibilities are in friendship to him. And things are complicated by the fact that we used to be married. They're complicated by the fact that we're still tied together financially. They're complicated by the fact that I love him and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him if things were different. And they're complicated by the fact that we both, despite loving each other and choosing to be together for so long, still harbor some resentment and anger towards one another that is difficult to express. I know that things will work out. I am still committed to him, to working things out. But it will take time and effort. And it doesn't always seem as though either is available with any regularity.
More lies:
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