sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

The Demon Who Was Changed in The Reaction
Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004

Sometimes reminders and insights (and reminders of insights) come from the most unexpected places. Mama D�s organic chemistry lecture last night, for example, reminded me of something I�ve known for a while and have been wanting to forget.

�a catalyst is something that is not used up in the reaction���Mama D., reviewing catalysts in organic reactions.

It was really Sophistica who introduced me to the concept, way back in June or July. I don�t mean the concept of catalysts as they are used in chemical reactions, but the concept of people who are the catalysts in the reactions that change your life.

These are the people who step in, change you somehow, then leave. These are so often the people who may love you (in either ways that you understand or they understand, but almost never in ways that you both understand or agree on), but who find it remarkably easy (from your point of view) to leave you. These can also be the people who are your best friends one day and then cut you the next. They are the people who fuck you and then don't call. They are the people who speak sweetly to your face and then talk bitterly about you behind your back. These are your friends who steal your boyfriend. These are the boyfriends who sleep with your friends. These are people who care but not really, you know?

And you should be grateful for these people, I know. They teach you important lessons. They teach you that you can be hurt but not be destroyed by it. They teach you that you have the ability and strength to pick yourself up and move on. But it�s often hard to be grateful for these people because usually you are too busy being hurt by them, by the actions that they must, by their catalytic natures, perform. You will be changed by them�and change is almost never easy�but they won�t be altered by you at all in any lasting way. Even just that little bit of knowledge hurts. It plays on the suspicion that you really don�t matter to others and believing that, finding that belief alive and well in your heart + head hurts. Having it proved hurts even more.

��a true catalyst has to be regenerated��

So it hurts. It hurts. It hurts and so what? It hurts and you will be able to move on from it. It hurts and you will move on changed, feeling damaged, altered in some fundamental way that you may not, for a long time, feel able to recover from. The new you may not feel as good as the old you for a long, long time, but you will become used to the changed you, the new you, and then it will slowly become the new-old you again. (Is this what it means to move on? To be okay again?)

But I�m avoiding talking about the catalyst here, aren�t I? I don�t know why, except that I don�t truly understand how catalysts work internally, personally. Chemically, yes. Chemically, I can follow the movement of atoms. I can push electrons. I can say, Here is the arrow that shows you where this is going, and, Here is the picture that shows you what just happened. But I can�t do the same in the recent reactions that have shaped the person I am right now. I can�t yet say, Here is the arrow that pierced my heart but itself was not changed, or, Here is the picture that shows you who I am now.

��a catalyst is regenerated and it can go and do it again and do it again and do it again��

Maybe I�ve been a catalyst in someone else�s life. If so, I hope it didn�t hurt. I know it�s foolish to hope this. I know the chances of that being true are negligible. I probably was a catalyst. It probably did hurt.

The catalyst in my reaction wasn�t changed in any significant, lasting way. I don�t know what else to say about this. The catalytic nature takes care of its own, and I don�t believe�though I want to, badly�that I changed anything about my catalyst.

It still hurts. I want it to. I hold onto it, even knowing that I need to let go.

��a catalyst is regenerated and it can go and do it again and do it again and do it again��--Mama D., explaining the repetitious nature of catalysts

�The stereotype is the word repeated without any magic, any enthusiasm, as though it were natural, as though by some miracle this recurring word were adequate on each occasion for different reasons, as though to imitate could no longer be sensed as an imitation..."--Roland Barthes, explaining the repetitious nature of stereotypes

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

� sublingua sublingua.diaryland.com.