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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demons Who People Your Dreams
Long talk with Sophistica last night that included a section on jealousy. She spoke of the x and of being jealous when, overhearing part of a phone call, she assumed he was speaking to the evil xmeg. (In fact, he was speaking to his father.) And she told me that x, when she wanted to go and visit the xbry, had asked whether she wouldn't like to take his car to do so, and then, during her visit (which lasted, she said, for "two unchaperoned hours") had called to ask, sans jealousy of course, whether she wanted him (x) to do her laundry for her. After getting off the phone, I fell asleep and dreamt that I was living in an apartment complex that was similar to the one that I live in now. Matthew was also living there, and, as I came home, I thought, I should stop and see how Matthew is. So I knocked on his door. And Sophistica opened the door, the xbry standing behind her, both of them wearing white bathrobes. And I was confused. I asked her what was going on, and she said something like, "I'll talk to you in a bit." I went back to my apartment and milled around a bit, looking at all these things that were apparently mine, but which I didn't recognize. The dream setting shifted then, and I was in Sophistica's hotel room and she told me that she had slept with both Matthew and the xbry, at the same time no less, which is why she had been in Matthew's apartment when I knocked. When she told me this, I was consumed with jealousy and anger and felt as though I wanted to hurt her. In fact, over the course of the dream, I did try to hurt her, tried to put the cigarette I was smoking out on her neck, physically attacked her over and over. And in between these episodes, we'd talk. I was pulled in two by that desire that you become consumed with when you are jealous that consists of both wanting and not wanting to know what exactly happened. I kept asking questions and becoming angry at her truthful answers. It was awful and uncomfortable, but, oddly, I did not wake myself up out of the dream as I often do when I become uncomfortable or consumed by some strong emotion. I had been reading the last of the Colette before calling Sophistica last night, and the very last delicious bit of it is about jealousy. Colette writes that it is not unusual for one to become closer to the person of whom you are jealous (Colette calls this person "the rival") than either of you (you or the rival) are to the person you have in common. I know that this knowledge applies, though I don't know how it plays out in the dream, as Soph and I have never had this kind of rivalry over anyone, much less Matthew or the xbry. And, in fact, Soph, though having expressed the same reactions to jealousy that I have often felt in the past, would never, I don't think, engage in a situation (that would prompt this kind of jealousy) with me as the balance at the other end of the equation. Also? I don't know why the dream was peopled with the men it was. Why the xbry and Matthew? Why not x and Max? (I am still, still so uselessly jealous when it comes to Max's interactions with other women--and jealous in a way that I never was of his interactions with other men. And I suppose that goes to show you just how irrational, irrational and real, jealousy can be.) I know that one (dream) triad (Soph, Matthew, xbry) had to do with the other (Sublingua, Matthew, Magdalene) and with my feelings of intense jealousy that arose even though I felt nothing elemental or real for either of the other players. Does that make Sophistica the Sublingua in the dream? Does it make her the Sublingua or the Magdalene (and it would have to be the Magdalene in real life, wouldn't it)? God, I don't know how to begin even puzzling that one out. I'm not jealous of the Magdalene in real life and can't think of a situation in which I would be, or at least was not outside of the one very specific instance. And also? It's interesting to note that Matthew never appeared in the dream--everything involving him was circumstantial, incidental, it seemed. I have been having such intense dreams lately. I'm normally able to think about them in a very rational way and to puzzle out their meanings, but this dream? (This dream and another I had a few nights ago in which a ghost, a male ghost, appeared to a man in bed (I didn't know either man) and smothered the man with a pillow, saying while he did so, "I'm a _____ ghost. I can see you, but you can't see me." And I, frightened, woke myself up from that dream.)
More lies:
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