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sublingua | |||||
| The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.) | The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.) | The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.) | |||
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The Demon Who Wants to Eat You All Up
the day that didn't require a second entry but which received one anyway: back from the gym to eat a banana and thereby use up half my earned points from my workout. (oh, yeah, and did i mention the candy? it's the holiday season and i decided to live a little...very little. that is, by eating two pieces of chocolate. and then feeling guilty. well, not too guilty, but a little guilty because in sublingua 2003 land, two piece of chocolate represents something like 10% of the ideal caldoric intake for the entire day. and i don't write much about the weight loss thing in terms of what i eat on a daily basis, but here i am, about to do it i suppose. so i eat according to the old weight watchers points system. this started in january sometime. i used to journal everything i ate so as to keep track of it and not cheat myself out of points or undereat. at first, it was really a pain in the butt to eat that way, and i used to get sugar cravings like mad. some days i'd eat according to my plan all day long, but at nightfall, i'd start to get crazy. i'd go out and get a 44oz. coca-cola and a kit-kat and down them both. (actually, this happened three times, maybe.) and then i'd feel sick. (which is why it only happened, like, three times.) after a while, i found that not only could i not eat the amount of sugar that i had been used to, but that i didn't want to if only because my moods were stabilized if i didn't eat sugar. now, i even avoid a lot of kinds of fruit because it's too much sugar and i get sick. i still love strawberries and bananas and pineapple, but i rarely, if ever, eat apples (as an example) or other kinds of fruit. and dried fruit? forget it. not so much as a raisin. i also don't eat much fat. probably i don't eat enough fat. more later, as max just came in to tell me it's time for my shower. later: so as i was saying, i don't get a lot of fat. i don't intentionally put any into my diet, which i'm "supposed" to do, but every once in a while, there is one of those dinners that makes you feel, like, ugh. one of those fried things that you know you shouldn't eat, but do anyway. that, and some fish oil supplements and the occassional peanut butter on a banana and that's it. so what do i eat? a typical day starts with something like cottage cheese and pineapple, or the ubiquitous banana and peanut butter, or, if i'm feeling ambitious, eggwhites and toast. i used to be hyper-vigilant about lunches, but now that's been reduced to something like a balance bar (if i'm at school) and coffee, or again the banana/peanut butter combo, or a salad if i'm out with friends or a can of tuna and some veggies. it depends. i don't cook much anymore (i used to be the microwaved veggie burger queen, but the lack of a microwave in my new place makes that impossible), but there are also occassional chicken breasts to be had. yeah, i guess there's a lot of protein in there. i feel better when i eat a lot of protein, which is something that took awhile to learn. i very rarely eat fast food anymore, thank god. and when i do, i'm always amazed at how much sodium is in there. one mcdonald's hamburger sends me running for a couple of liters of water at least. i do still drink a lot of coffee, both at home and when i'm out. only, no more caramel macchiatos (sp?), now it's brewed coffee with skim milk, or americanos with skim milk. god, what else? i eat out a lot anymore, as it's the social thing to do. i notice often that my friends will eye my plate, make note of my choices, and sometimes i even sense that they feel some guilt over what they're eating. (mayflower in particular gives off that vibe.) and i understand because i used to feel the same way. i used to hear stories from dave about his ex-bosses girlfriend who used to blot her pizza with a napkin to get the extra grease off and i'd think, gah, just eat the fucking thing. (and now, i'm, like, pizza? what are you crazy? that stuff's crap. i think i've eaten less that six slices of pizza in the last year--and half of those with the cheese pulled off.) or people'd come out to dinner and order nothing, or coffee or some other drink, and it'd piss me off. i was so raised so that, if you were invited out or to someone's house, you'd eat something, whatever they'd offer. now, i'm not so into that. i don't care what people think about what i eat or don't eat. i don't eat what i don't want to our of guilt or whatever. fuck that. i spent a lifetime doing that.but that said, i do still have that problem where, if there's food in front of me, i'll eat too much of it. it doesn't matter if it's healthy stuff or not, if it's in front of me, i will keep eating until it's gone. i wish i had some self-discipline in this matter, but i don't. i have to leave the restaurant, or the table, or move the leftovers to another table just so i won't keep picking at things. also i will taste from max's plate. he doesn't have my problem, so he still eats just about whatever he wants. (today, for example, he ordered huevos rancheros for lunch. they were huge and included fried eggs, fried potatoes, cheese--all the stuff i try not to eat anymore. and i had to finish his egg whites and eat a potato and scrape the rest of the chile off his plate (he ate about 3/4 of it and i kept picking and picking). finally, i had to move his plate to another table so that i wouldn't keep eating from it. this is pretty boring stuff, isn't it? ugh.
More lies:
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