sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

and still i am willing
Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003

the brain is not yet done chewing on the matthew dilemma.

but first, i want to say that calling him by his name is a new thing in this diary. it is new because i have always tried to give people aliases so that if they ever ran into this diary, they might at least know that i had tried somehow to protect their identity--yeah, even though i was putting the most intimate details of my and their lives on the internet for who knows how many people to read.

so matthew.

i am so terribly conflicted over this boy. i am so ridiculously conflicted over this boy. i love this boy, but i don't know that love is enough in this case. of course, with max love was not enough. so love isn't enough. but with matthew (who is a lot like max in so many ways that i don't wonder if my loving him isn't some extension of my failed love for max)...but with matthew. but with matthew. but with matthew. i love the matthew, and it still isn't enough. and, even knowing that, i still love the matthew.

sophistica always maintained that the matthew was a catalyst. he was there to accelerate the reaction, but was not intended to be consumed in the reaction that he catalyzed. and it was true in so many ways. it was because of my love for matthew that i left max--something that i should have done years ago. and it was because of the matthew that i came to believe in love again, came to believe in the necessity of love as a concept central to my life. and it was because of the matthew that my interest in spirituality was awakened.

the matthew is a very spiritual person. he was raised in a fairly strict conservative baptist household (which, don't get me wrong, i know fucked him up pretty soundly), but he has a very central and profound sense of spirituality because of it. but that said, it truly did fuck with his head, and he hasn't, because of his experiences in the church, the slightest idea of how love relates to the concept of god, and he hasn't the slightest idea of how to build community--despite his desperate belief that it is a necessary thing to do. so, yeah. seeing how he wrestles with the big issues in religion somehow brought me back to my belief in the god is love equation.

but even despite my own return to that equation, i have to admit that neither is enough: god or love. neither is enough to turn the tide that's coming in. and because of that, i know that i have to let matthew go. i have to let him go and move on with my life. that thought fills me with sadness and regret because i know, i know that my love could be elemental to him. i know that it could be a transforming thing if he were willing or able to accept it. and maybe that's just the extent of my hubris to believe that, but i believe it anyway. and i love him anyway, despite the sadness, despite the regret.

after he delivered his last speech about not wanting friends, about wanting solitude, about just being civil towards me, i went into the bathroom of the library and cried. i was filled with this overwhelming desire to find him and tell him the truth about everything: about loving him to the extent that i do, about waking up thinking about him, about wanting to be in his life in whatever way he chose for that to happen. and after i was finished crying, i had to connect with others. i couldn't bear the sadness alone, so i went out and called mayflower and called sophistica. i went and connected with my friends and tried to deal with the sadness that way--and it worked to begin to move me out of it, the downward spiral that the sadness threatens to bring forth. and when that was done, i went and looked for matthew in the library, where i knew he had been planning to go and study. i looked in all the places where he normally goes, and then realized that he had probably already gone to class. and i'm glad i didn't find him. or maybe not glad, but i am sure that it is good that i didn't find him, if only because i think it was meant to be that i didn't find him (if that makes any sense) because i don't think that either of us is ready for full disclosure.

but thinking over his words later (and the way he delivered them, with this look that i've only ever seen him use once before, this kind of look that he uses when he is about to be cruel and can't face the person to whom he is about to be cruel), i realized that it was time. it was time to walk away. it's time to walk away. to be civil, surely, as he intends to be towards me, but to keep my heart's desires at bay, to keep my offers of frienship to a minimum, to keep clear of him and his confusion. even though i know that somehow that isn't what he wants, and it isn't what i want, i also recognize that it's probably necessary for both of us at this point to have this be the case.

but i still love him. i am still grateful to him. i still want him. and still i am willing to give him up.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

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