sublingua

The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

potential for more
Thursday, May. 29, 2003

Stood in the shower this morning, washing sticky come off my breasts and belly, and thought of last night's bout of love making, of taking Max in my mouth, and of stroking his cock while he fingered my clit.

There has been so much anguish over sex in our house over the years that it has been nice to have reached some decision regarding how to handle what is wrong between us, and to try to move forward from it in an honest and open way. I want very much to be satisfied and to satisfy sexually because I love sex. I love sex. I truly love feeling a man press down upon me and enter me, the feeling of having to accomodate his body in mine, the becoming so lost in the moment and the movement that self-consciousness disappears.

I've recently been thinking of the men I've made love to over the years who, with the exception of Max, were all in the space of time that Max and I were not together. There was Jon, who was concerned (with good reason) about the size of his penis, but who had one of the best bodies that has ever been pressed against mine. He used to take my fingers into his mouth, something which before him I had never found sexy, but he had these wonderfully full and sensual lips that really were magnificent to have wrapped around fingers and nipples and other things. Chris, whose enthusiasm outstripped his experience, but who really enjoyed fucking and who made me feel as though I were one of many, a feeling I really enjoyed as separate as I am so much of time from other women. I knew with Chris what it was like to be just another woman--he didn't try to relate to me intellectually (we were so dissimilar in interest and abilities), but who just fucked me very well, very hard, very enthusiastically. James, who hunted me with the patience of a well-fed predator, more for sport than for sustenance. He was probably the most desirable man I've ever had--and by that I mean that every woman he met found him desirable, wanted not only to go to bed with him, but to have him, to possess him. He also had the biggest cock I have ever seen in my life, so much so that later, comparing notes with his unsuspecting girlfriend, I found that she didn't actually enjoy sleeping with him because it hurt her. But to me, coming so soon after all the hurt with Max, it was nice to have someone who was so manly want to fuck me. Brian and his friend--oh, god, what was his friend's name? This is bad, isn't it?--Brian who I knew over months and months, my one and only fuck buddy, who, because he was a big ol' Iowa farm boy in the Air Force, kept moving from skinny to fat and back again. And I realized that I really enjoyed it more when he was fatter, as it intensified the feeling of being pressed beneath him, of being taken, of being fucked well--which he didn't really provide otherwise, though he had plenty of opportunity.

There were others too, of whom I feel ashamed. Mike, who was like Jon in stature: big guy, little dick. He was the only man I've ever slept with because I was drunk and horny and would have fucked anything. He would have made a terrific lover given a lot of training, as he was ashamed of nothing. I remember having my period at the time, but letting him fuck me however he wanted to, in whatever position he wanted to, and the bed the next morning looked like someone had been bludgeoned in their sleep. There was the guy whose name I can't remember for the life of me, a one-night stand, who I met at one in the morning in a truck-stop, who came home with me and was then too drunk to maintain an erection, and who I ended up having to throw out the next morning. Those were the days. I'm glad they're over.

What does the future hold? More sticky mornings, perhaps. More adventure. More nights of whispered fantasies. More. There will always be the potential for more.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

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