|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
'loft and feeling
I had recently been taking zoloft again--had actually stopped for a long time, but then started up again because I began to gain weight at an alarming rate, whereas when I was on the 'loft, I was dropping poundage slowly but surely. God, how shallow is that? I know, I know. What I'm trying to say is that I'm going off the 'loft again because I'm sick of being so artificially bolstered. Zoloft is all about not feeling a damn thing--not being inside my head and inside my head and inside my head and turning things over inside my head and not being able to forget and not being able to move forward--but not feeling a damned thing either. And I hate that. I hate it.
When I agreed to marry Max was when I started taking 'loft again, I think. I really didn't want to get married. I really didn't. It felt like an end to my freedom, and in many ways it was. Don't get me wrong, it's good too. Like this morning when I stepped out of the shower, I put on my wedding ring and smiled. It felt wonderful. But at the same time, I have to admit that I don't feel as if I have the same degree of freedom that I had, and I felt the need to medicate that feeling, so I started taking 'loft again.
Not too long after I started, I took a double dose--50 mg instead of the 25 I had been taking--and then I got all high. I was really stoned. I sat in the bathtub and ran my fingers through the water and thought, I'm stoned. I'm high on Zoloft. I've tried on purpose a couple of times to recreate that feeling, but I haven't been successful.
I guess I want feelings back. I want sadness back even if it means risking depression. I want to feel bad again, and good too. I just want to feel, dammit.