The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

T minus 3 days
Thursday, Aug. 01, 2002

Three days out from my thirty-first birthday.

Today has been spent, so far, shopping and watching a Monty Python movie.

I drove around town, by myself, which is something that I hardly ever do, and I kept thinking about ways that I've changed in the past ten years. I thought about Eric and asked him, out loud, "Do you miss me?" I thought about Robert, wondering where his remains have gone. I thought about how, as I've gotten older, sex has gotten better. I thought about where I am going next year when I head off to graduate and/or medical school. I thought about how I will soon be thirty-one, and how all my friends are in their early to mid-twenties. Does this mean anything?

Last night to MayF. and Enf.'s house to watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which I loved.

I have a hard time connecting these days, with anything. I still want to run away. I still want to be done with this part--whatever part this is. I still want to find out what I want to do with my life. I still want to finish school and go to medical school and become a doctor. I still know that I don't want children. I still have baggage. I still like to be invisible. I still don't know how not to be.

When I was a child, I used to examine my development over and over. I used to ask myself what had gone into making me me. I used to see much more clearly what these things were. I used to have some idea of how things had come about. Now. Now I haven't nearly that kind of objectivity. I haven't nearly the motivation, nor the skill. When did I lose these things and start making it my business to fool myself and hide things from myself?

When I was a child, I could put aside all the terrible things that were happening to me. I could live outside all of those things and just be. Now, I feel as though that is a luxury I can't afford.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010