|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
I don't have a conscious memory of it.
I'm writing very infrequently these days, I know. I'm very...oh, I don't know, disconnected from things lately. for example, I noticed the other day that my stomach was aching. It seemed as though it had been aching for a long time--hours or days--and that I was waking up to it. I feel far away from my body. Disconnected. I've been testing this feeling. Like today I decided not to eat until I was hungry. I woke up hungry and had a banana around 7am. I had my coffee and then I went to work. I went five and a half hours on a banana, which is unheard of for me. After about five hours I started to think a little crazily about things, which is a sign of hunger ("psychoglycemia" Tracee calls it) to me, but I didn't feel the hunger in my stomach. It was another half hour until that happened. But the signal was muted, came through layers of batting that has surrounded me these days. Why?
Last night as I lay in bed, stuffed with a dinner that I hadn't wanted when I sat down to it, I thought, I have to start listening to my body. I haven't been feeling things bodily and I wonder why. What am I hiding that it takes my entire body to absorb? So I promised my body (which I've done before) that I would start listening to it. I would start noticing when I hurt, when I was hungry, when I was tired. These may sound like elemental things to most people, but to a woman who grew up in a home with a physically, mentally, and sexually abusive alcoholic father, those things are not elemental. I've had to disconnect many many times to protect myself. In fact, disconnected is my default after so many years. It's becoming connected that is difficult, nearly impossible for me to do.
I want to be whole again. When was the last time this happened?