The heart with a mind of its own.

(Be present.)

The mind with a heart of its own.

(It's past.)

The dream that is your waking life.

(Go there now.)

Deal with it
Sunday, Mar. 17, 2002

Tonight at the studio with MayFlower and her enforcer husband.

There was a moment when I, sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, had this sensory dejavu from the time I was on Lizard Island and sat up on the porch, writing a letter to Robert about how I wished that he were still around and how I wanted to share the Southern Cross with him and only had the memory of him to share it with. The night felt the same, but then, tonight, I thought, it was really me who felt the same. Something that I had always made external was suddenly drawn inside.

Part of it was the happenings this night: feeling a part but not a part of things, feeling as though who I am were not important in the greater scheme of things, that my life was only part of a bigger sense of something perhaps but that me, I, this self that I've created out of whole cloth, means nothing. I felt a fraud at the edges or as though who I had to be tonight was false and for that reason made me feel outside of the normal flow of things.

I have to close my eyes to write this because I can't think of the words with my eyes open. I can't listen to the feeling inside with my eyes open for some reason.

I have been taking this antidepressant for almost a year now, and who I am has been diminished. (In a real-life case of "be careful what you wish for," I've been ground down so much that I'm almost who I had always wanted to be prior to beginning the antidepressant.)

Now, I'm tired and things feel the same again.

retreat or surrender

More lies:
Waking Sleeping Demons II - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2011
Waking Sleeping Demons - Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011
time - Friday, May. 20, 2011
- - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2010
The Return - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010