|The heart with a mind of its own.(Be present.)||The mind with a heart of its own.(It's past.)||The dream that is your waking life.(Go there now.)|
Skip this day
Despite a beautiful day and several friendly stranger boys and an amazing film (Onibaba) to think about, I am still having a very anxious (?) day. Not anxious exacly, but a deadened day. One of those days where I am unable to see how, despite a beautiful day and a friendly boy and an amazing film, I am tied to this world. I'm just not convinced that I belong here on days like this.
Spent the morning in bed, finally dragging myself out to go to class where those of us who managed to show up received a lecture about not showing up. Why do professors feel the need to lecture the students who aren't late on the importance of being on time? Or the students who are actually present about not missing class? Hello! You are preaching to the choir, folks. Not very effective. I stopped for a coffee on the way in at the little coffee house where I always stop (even though their coffee sucks, really, because they're woman-owned and independent) and my bank card was declined which is fucking ridiculous because I have overdraft protection and because I just transferred several hundred dollars from savings to checking so that this wouldn't happen because I had recently made several large purchases by check. So, yeah, I had to pay with a real credit card, and now I have the pleasure of adding 21% interest to a fucking latte and a cookie. But even that isn't what is making this day so...unworthwhile.
I'm on antidepressants and full-blown PMS, so I could opt to attribute some of this...day to either one of these things. And I skipped swimming this morning. And I skipped work. And I skipped out on coffee with Sophistica. And I skipped accompanying MayFlower to see a divorce lawyer. And I've skipped going to the studio lately. And I've skipped out on my responsibilities and on my life and on my goals and on my future, and this day is the culmination of all these events. The planets aren't just retrograde or crossed. They've actually smashed into each other and exploded, spraying debris all over my universe. My universe. My universe which is utter chaos anyway. Why this?